From http://www.NonJuan.com – Could dating a drunk Mariah (and drunk girls in general) be a solution to Non Juan’s dating problems?? Watch the video to find out!

It’s Monday, and you know what that means…

IT’S NON JUAN VIDEO MONDAY!

This week’s video is another “Tales from the Non Juan Side!”  This one involves a girl named Knajula, a stalker, and a confrontation of EPIC proportions.  Check it out!

Think YOU’VE got a good Non Juan tale to tell?  Send it to us in video form for your chance to win a FREE copy of DJ Hero! Also, if you have a dating/relationship question, email us at ASK@NonJuan.com!

-Non Juan

HAAAACK! COUGH!  SNEEZE!!

I don’t feel so well, guys… I think I may have the swine flu!

I went out to breakfast yesterday, and while I was waiting for my meal, I spotted this cute-looking girl named Becky sitting at a table by herself.  Thinking I had a chance at actually getting her interested in me since she was alone (the less competition, the better), I walked over to her table and said:

“Hey there, uh… your freckles look like a game of connect-the-dots.  It’s so cute!”

She didn’t take too kind to my compliment, and told me to scram.  I was about to leave, but I just HAD to try and get her interested at least one more time.

I said. “What would it take for you to go out on a date with me??”

After thinking about it for a second, she turned to me and said:

“Date YOU?!? HA! Yeah, I’ll go out with you… when pigs fly, OR when you can eat a whole pound of bacon without throwing up!”

Ah ha, I KNEW it! I KNEW she wanted to date me – otherwise she wouldn’t have given me not one, but TWO ways to fall into her graces!

I ran back to my table and told my waitress to bring me a whole pound of bacon.  A few minutes later, I had a HUGE plate of sizzling hot pork strips in front of me.  I called over to Becky – “Hey! Look over here!” – and as soon as she was looking in my direction, I started gobbling up bacon as fast as I could!

About half-way through, Becky yelled: “Hey, Non Juan, I was only kidding – I’m still not going out with you, even if you DO finish the bacon.”

I wish she had said something sooner – by the time she said it, I could feel a grease pit forming in my stomach, and all I could taste on my breath was bacon.

And I don’t think the restaurant cooked it all the way.  When I got home, I was in the bathroom for 6 hours straight, switching between sitting down on the toilet and having my face dunked into a trash can.  Even now, I have a headache and feel like my head is doing a tail spin.  Talk about a lousy swine flu reaction!

On the plus side, Becky DID feel sorry enough for me to pay for my meal.  So in a way, it was almost like we had a breakfast date – hooray!

OMG… I… I need to throw up again… Excuse me…

-Non Juan

(Sigh) Another evening sitting in my room all by myself… I can’t believe no one has called me yet!

Oh, wait – you have no idea what I’m talking about, do you?

Well, I went to a speed dating event last night hoping to land myself a date. I almost didn’t go at first; when my best friend Harry told me about the whole “speed” dating thing, I told him: “Whoa! There is NO way I’m going to be doing drugs while on a date!”

After he explained that “speed” meant “fast,” I decided to give it a shot!

I wanted to be impressive, and wear the absolute best outfit I could – a nice suit jacket with silk pants and a striped tie! Unfortunately, it’s my only suit, and it was still at the dry cleaners due to the “incident” that happened on my LAST date. How was I to know not to aim the ketchup bottle towards my lap while hitting the bottle against the table?!?

(Also: how was I to know that hitting the ketchup bottle against the table would cause the bottle to crack, splatter the ketchup everywhere, and cause glass pieces to fly into my date’s left ear? Now she can’t hear her phone whenever I try to call her… at least I think that’s why she doesn’t answer my calls….)

Instead, I wore a nice shirt with a picture of bottle rings and the words “I Used To Wear A Six-Pack” on it (girls LOVE humor!) and a pair of shorts I bought off some homeless guy for $5. He needed the money; I needed some shorts – talk about a match made in heaven!

When I got to the event, the guys were told to sit on one side of the tables, while the girls sat on the other. When the moderator said “Go,” we had 3 minutes to talk to the girl in front of us before we had to switch to another table.

Seems pretty easy, right? And it was – to everyone but me!

I was doing the best I could to try and tell all these women about myself, but nothing came out right at all. I kept fumbling words, calling them by the wrong name (even if they had a name tag on)… at one point, a woman started telling me her name, and my knees were shaking so hard that I accidentally knocked over the candle between us and set the table on fire!

The moderator had to come by with a fire extinguisher to put the fire out. Once the flames died down, I tried telling the woman my name… but it’s kind of hard to do that when she’s yelling and screaming about half of her hair being burnt to ashes

Anyway, once our time was up, they had the guys choose which girls we liked best; then, we’d place our names and numbers on a piece of paper with their names on it, and, if they liked us, they would call us later!

I made sure to place my name – NON JUAN – and my number – 877-NON-JUAN – on ALL of the girls’ pieces of paper. Hey, gotta play the odds, right?

I was sure at least ONE of them would try to call me. Heck, the one-eyed midget who looked like a pigeon HAS to be desperate for ANYBODY to date her! But so far, no calls. And so, here I sit….

Sigh…

But hey – if you’re a girl and you happen to be reading this, why not call me right now?? My number is 877-NON JUAN. (In case you’re curious: my number is TOLL-FREE – I figured if a girl didn’t have to pay to talk to me, she’d be more apt to call.) If you’re into things like Hamster conventions, video games, and porcupine pie, we should definitely chat sometime!

-Non Juan

P.S. Once again, that’s 877-NON-JUAN. I read somewhere that a person has to see something at least 3 times before it becomes memorable. Hey, maybe that means I should say MY number a whole bunch of times! Okay, here goes: 877-NON-JUAN. 877-NON-JUAN. 877-NON-JUAN. 877-NON-JUAN. 877-NON-JUAN. 877-NON-JUAN. 877-NON-JUAN. 877-NON-JUAN. 877-NON-JUAN. 877-NON-JUAN. 877-NON-JUAN. 877-NON-JUAN. 877-NON-JUAN. 877-NON-JUAN. 877-NON-JUAN. 877-NON-JUAN. 877-NON-JUAN. 877-NON-JUAN. 877-NON-JUAN. 877-NON-JUAN. 877-NON-JUAN. 877-NON-JUAN. 877-NON-JUAN. 877-NON-JUAN. 877-NON-JUAN. 877-NON-JUAN. 877-NON-JUAN. 877-NON-JUAN. 877-NON-JUAN. 877-NON-JUAN. 877-NON-JUAN. 877-NON-JUAN. 877-NON-JUAN. 877-NON-JUAN. 877-NON-JUAN. 877-NON-JUAN. 877-NON-JUAN. 877-NON-JUAN. 877-NON-JUAN. 877-NON-JUAN. 877-NON-JUAN. 877-NON-JUAN. 877-NON-JUAN. 877-NON-JUAN. 877-NON-JUAN. 877-NON-JUAN. 877-NON-JUAN. 877-NON-JUAN. 877-NON-JUAN. 877-NON-JUAN. 877-NON-JUAN. 877-N…

Okay. I have to stop now. My right hand is starting to get carpel tunnel syndrome…