Non Juan… being a “Non Juan” – - what else would you expect?

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The official, original, and ridiculous theme song and first music video by Non Juan ~ Featuring The Archbishop Don “Magic” Juan, Tila Tequila, and Hannah Montana.

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On Wednesday’s scribble, I mentioned that a girl I had gone out with in the past named Angela had called me and asked if I could take her out for a date on Saturday night (if you missed it, you can read about my history with her right HERE).

I wasn’t sure if I was going to take her out… okay, so I already KNEW I was probably going to agree to do so.  I didn’t have much confidence that she’d have a good time with me (especially since most of my dates end with the girl either getting sick, calling a cab, or jet-setting off with some other guy she meets while we’re out)…

…BUT…

That was BEFORE my night out with the #1 ladies man in the world, Archbishop Don “Magic” Juan!

Thanks to an evening filled with lessons, graphs, and parables on the inner-workings of women (as well as some hands-on/interactive activities which you can read about HERE), I was able to up my confidence and get WAY more comfortable around the opposite sex…

Okay – so I got tongue tied during my interactions and passed out after having a sip (i.e. a drop) of “Magic” Juan’s holy water. 

Still, I figured at least SOME of what he taught me had to have stuck.  I decided to accept Angela’s invitation for me to take her out.  She told me to let her know where we’d be going and how much it costs, and I did.  When I told her I’d be taking her to White Castle for some “royalty-approved” hamburgers, she responded back in the most loving way she could:

“Geez, Non Juan, that’s not very expensive!  I don’t know if I can go out with you after all…”

I listed a few more places – Applebees, Olive Garden, El Pollo Loco – but Angela insisted that none of them cost a lot of money, and, therefore, were not of high quality.

Finally, I mentioned a restaurant that… well, it’s so fancy that the name of it is actually a combination of three different languages and unpronounceable.  Heck, it’s so expensive, you have to actually PAY the hostess just to find a table for you!  Amazingly, Angela agreed to go – I was so happy!

As promised, she picked me up from my apartment at 7 and drove me to the restaurant.  I was hoping to have some stimulating conversation with her in the car… but it was kind of hard to hear her, seeing as she had made me sit in the trunk (something about there not being enough room for both me AND the oxygen she needed to breath inside the car seating area). 

It didn’t matter, though – once we got seated at the restaurant, I made SURE we talked about… um, well… according to Don “Magic” Juan, women LOVE talking about themselves, so I tried to do my best to ask her questions that would make her want to talk. Questions like:

• “So, tell me about that brown blemish you have on your cheek?”
• “What guys did you date that dumped you and made you available for tonight?”
• “By paying for this date, does it mean I get to make out with you?”
• “What is your favorite color mold?”
• “Have your teeth always been that yellow?”

Despite my wonderful questions, though, she seemed more angry at me than willing to talk.  She said something about being ready to leave if it weren’t for the fact that I was paying.  Guess that means it’s not true what they say – for me, money CAN buy me happiness!

As for our meals: she ordered the lobster/duck/caviar combo plate, and I.. well, after seeing how much her meal cost, I had just enough money left over for a glass of tap water with frozen ice – and even THAT set me back by $21! 

It’s okay, though – I figured if she saw how much I was willing to pay, she’d be all like: “Oh Non Juan! You’re the BOMB!  After dinner, we are definitely going somewhere to make out!”

Unfortunately, it didn’t quite happen like that.  While our waiter was dropping off our food… well, I don’t know what was happening, ’cause I started eating my food as soon as he put the plate down in front of me.  I couldn’t hear much while I was chewing my food (which I do with my mouth open so I won’t pass out, like that one time at Denny’s where… um, okay, that’s another story), but Angela and the waiter seemed to be getting along great – she was laughing, he was pulling on her hair and making “gooey-eyes” at her – all very innocent.

I ate so fast that I got a little bit of a stomach ache, and told Angela I’d be gong to the bathroom.  When I got back to our table, I noticed two things: the check was there… and Angela was not!

“Oh no,” I thought to myself, “Angela’s been kidnapped! I have to find her!” 

I ran around the restaurant, yelling her name and running under tables hoping to find her.  I think a few of the women at these tables were upset at me, partially for interrupting their dinners and partially for looking up their dresses for my dear Angela (side note: who knew so many women wore granny panties on dates??).  After no luck searching (and quite a few smacks to the face), I went back to my table, opened up the check book, and found a note from Angela that said:

“Sorry Non Juan – I didn’t have enough money to tip the waiter, so I decided to let him take me home and let him ‘tip’ me, if you know what I mean. TTYL, lame-o!”

Aww, how sweet!  She felt so bad for this waiter that she’s going to let HIM pay her money?? That’s why I’ve always liked her in the first place - she’s so nice and giving!  I’ll be she let him give her all the tip he wanted to, too!

As for me… well, I didn’t have enough to pay for her entire meal (a trio combo like the one she ordered is NOT cheap), so I had to stay at the restaurant and wash dishes, clean up the food pantry, and other unspeakable things that I’m not allowed to talk about until I get a new lawyer.

Such a great date… glad to see those tips from Don “Magic” Juan are starting to pay off!

-Non Juan

Well, guys, I think I may finally be getting a good idea on how to interact with women, thanks to none other than the number one ladies man in the world, Don “Magic” Juan!

It all started Thursday, when I got an invite in the mail from a girl named “Courtney Appeals” (or “Court” for short) to go on a date.  Um… okay, so it turned out her name wasn’t actually “Courtney…” and it was actually a court date I got as a result of yet ANOTHER girl getting a restraining order against me!  I wasn’t even NEAR this girl when I got it – all I did was leave her 312 phone messages telling her how pretty her ear hair was!

Anyway, the judge (whom I had unknowingly tried to hit on before going into the courthouse) said I’d either have to pay a hefty find, or get “counseling” for my issues with women.  Hey, I don’t have any issues with women – they all have issues with me!  Oh well… I didn’t have enough money to pay the fine, so I decided to look in the phone book and see if there was anyone out there who might know a lil bit more about women than me.

Lo and behold: I found an ad in the book for Don “Magic” Juan’s counseling service.  According to the ad, he could take any guy - even the most pathetic, downright awful guy whose bad with women – and turn them into a certified MACK.  Plus, he’s worked with Snoop Dogg, P.Diddy, Ludacris, etc., and all of them have DOZENS of women hanging around them. 

I called him up and schedued an appointment for Friday.  The next day, I went to his offices and told him all about my various girl troubles, including:

• Not being able to get them to call me back
• My online girlfriend not wanting to see me… despite the fact that she lives next door!
• How I keep getting the “let’s just be friends” speech from all the girls I try to date
• My poetic words not turning them on (Sample poem line: “Your nose hair is sexy and so are your foot corns!”)

After assessing my situation, the Archbishop came to one conclusion:

“You know as much about women as a skunk does about taking a bath.”

I didn’t know what his assessment meant (I’ve never smelt a skunk, so I don’t know how clean they actually get), but he said I was so pathetic that he’d be willing to take me under his wing and show me how to get the ladies!

So, how did it go? Well, I don’t want to give all of it away since I actually got it on video (thanks to my trusty ol’ pocket HD film camera – I got it when a girl was throwing stuff at me as I tried walking up to her doorway); however, Don spent a great amount of time drawing me diagrams, feeding me parables about dating, and teaching me mind techniques to use so I wouldn’t get so tongue tied when talking to the opposite sex.

I think it went pretty well for the most part… I don’t remember too much of what happened after “Magic” Juan took me to the club with him and gave me a sip of his “Holy Water” (note: it’s not water, and it’s definitely NOT holy) but I DID get it on tape.  The last thing I remember was going up to some girl and trying to “spit some game” at her (is that what it’s called? I think that’s what Don taught me…)  I ended up waking up this afternoon in a trash can out near the back of the club. 

As for Don “Magic” Juan, he wasn’t anywhere in sight when I woke up.  However, I did find a note in my pocket from him that said:

“You are a TERRIBLE disappointment.  After all that good game I gave you, I couldn’t stay here and watch you ruin my good name that I’ve spent 30-plus years building up.  Call me when you’re ready to take these lessons SERIOUSLY, and I might – MIGHT – decide to try helping you again.  P.S. I took home all three of the girls you tried talking to last night – PREACH! CHURCH! TABERNACLE!”

So, there ya go! I’ll be sure to post up some of the video from last night’s events sometime in the near future.  As for right now… I have another date to go on with Angela! (She’s the girl I scribbled about a few days ago).  Now that I’ve gotten a few lessons from Don “Magic” Juan, I should do alright tonight… hopefully, anyway…

-Non Juan

Oh man, you are not going to BELIEVE what just happened to me a few minutes ago!

So, I was sitting here updating my Twitter account (Twitter.com/NonJuan) and eating a potato salad mixed with applesauce, when my phone started to ring.  I picked it up…

…and it was HER.  Yes, HER!

Oh wait – you probably have no idea who “HER” is. 

Um… okay, so about a year ago, I met this girl named Angela while depositing my tax refund into the bank (a whole $5.67 cents – take THAT, government!).  We took one look at each other and… well, I fell head-over-heels in love; meanwhile, she asked me if she could borrow $4.  Which made me think one thing…

“Oh man, she actually TALKED to me – she must like me!!”

For the next 3 months we would see each other all the time.  I would take her to the movies, the go-kart racing track, and even my favorite sub shop.  And I was so enamored with Angela, I actually PAID for all of our outings (mostly because, um… well, she said she wouldn’t go anywhere with me if I didn’t. She’s so cute when she gets all demanding!)

By the fourth month, I was ready to make the next big step: introducing Angela to my pet hamster and asking her to be my love bunny.  I called her up to come to my place for a surprise, and she asked me if the surprise was taking her to a new expensive Italian Bistro that had just opened up.  I started to say, “Well, no, but…”

…and before I could finish, she said: “Oh, sorry then, I can’t come over – my friend Bob is taking me to the Bistro. Talk to ya soon!” Then she hung up the phone.

She said she’d talk to me soon, so I waited by the phone. For 6 months, 7 days, 9 hours and 32 minutes, to be exact.  Just as I was about to give up hope, my phone rang…

…and it was ANGELA!

She said she missed me, and that all 20 of the other guys she saw during that time couldn’t compare to “how much money you spe- er, I mean, how you treated me.” Then, she asked if she could take ME out to dinner and a movie!

Of course, I assumed that when she asked me, it meant she’d be paying for her AND me.  Turns out, it just meant that she’d be willing to drive me in her car (since my moped handles can be uncomfortable at times).  I still had to pay, but… uh… well, she did drive!

After we had dinner and a movie, she asked if we could top the evening off by buying her some jewelry – specifically, a diamond necklace she saw while we were walking from the restaurant back to her car.  The necklace WAS pretty… pretty expensive – about $999 to be exact.  I only had $69 left in my bank account at the end of the evening, so I told her I couldn’t buy it. 

Next thing I know, Angela says she suddenly realized that her car needed to be fumigated for bugs, so she couldn’t give me a ride home.  I never heard of a car being infested with bugs before – she was certainly brave to get into it and drive it to her house in the first place, but I’m glad she was looking out for me!

After that, Angela didn’t call me or ask me to do anything for several months.  And then, yesterday, out of the blue, I found something on my answering machine that I’ve never gotten before:

A MESSAGE.  From a GIRL.  And it was ANGELA!

“Hi, Non Juan, it’s Angela… so, I was sitting around my place all bored and stuff, and all the guys I know at the moment are either at work or out of town.  Since I know you don’t really do much aside from play video games in your apartment all day, I was wondering if maybe you wanted to take me out for a night on the town this Saturday.  We can do whatever you’d like, as long as I like doing it, too.  Oh, and please let me know in advance how much money you plan on spending so I’ll know how much time I should set aside to see you.  Talk to you soon!”

Did you hear that, everybody? ANGELA WANTS TO SEE ME AGAIN!

I’m so excited – I’ve NEVER had a girl ask me out this many times before! 

Of course, not everyone is as excited as I am.  I told my friend Harry about it, and he said the girl is just using me for my money AND for her own ego boost.  I don’t know if I should believe him – I mean, sure, she asked me how much money I’d be spending, but that’s only so she can try and guess what exciting things we’d be doing and how long those things would take.  There’s nothing wrong with that, right?

So, what should I do? Should I accept the date? Is the girl trying to use me, or does she really like me?  I think we might be destined to be, and I’m DYING to know what I should do!  Write me at ASK@NONJUAN.com or leave a comment at TWITTER.COM/NONJUAN and help me make a decision!

-Non Juan

Hola, Non Juan well-wishers!

I hope your weekend is going good so far.  Mine has already gotten off to a GREAT start!

As those of you who read yesterday’s scribble know, I had a girl named Destiny hit on me at a video game store on Thursday and ask me out for dinner on Friday.  I was so excited, I could barely keep my depends from getting wet!

She gave me her phone number and told me to call her.  The next day, I called her in the afternoon and asked her if Burger King would be an okay place for us to meet up.  You should have seen how excited she was when she responded with:

“Uh, BURGER KING??  What, is Applebee’s too fancy for you?” (How did she know? It’s like she was reading my mind!)

After I hung up, I couldn’t stop thinking about Destiny.  Her eyes, her lips, her ear wax… I just HAD to call her again!

When I called her this time, I told her all about myself – what my favorite food was (it’s a tie between applesauce and porcupine pie), my favorite hobby (watching my pet hamster Larry run around on his wheel while clipping my toenails), my favorite video game (Dungeons and Dragons rules!), etc.

Meanwhile, she mentioned that she was still getting ready for our date, and that she had just burned herself with a curling iron by answering my call.  She must have needed to finish her hair badly, ‘causs she ended up hanging up on me!

Once she hung up, I started thinking: I wonder if she knows I like her? I mean, just because I accepted the date and all doesn’t mean she KNEW if I had an interest in her, right? I had to make sure that she knew.

SO…

I dialed her number… well, I think it was her number.  I couldn’t tell if I mis-dialed or not because nobody picked up the phone!

So, I tried calling her a few more times – still no pick-up.  I finally let the phone ring long enough to get an answering machine.  Oh man, her answering machine voice was even sexier than her REAL voice!  I left her a short message that said:

“Hey, uh, Destiny… this is Non Juan… just… just wanted to let you know that I’m looking forward to our date tonight! Heh, uh… yeah… and… just wanted to say… I know we just met and all, but… I really, REALLY like you.  I think me and you could have a GREAT future together!  I can see it now – me and you walking along the beach, exploring landfills together for used car parts and getting hot and heavy near a coal-mining factory in West Virginia… you… you’re the kind of woman I could see myself getting married to in Vegas, in front of God, Elvis, and whatever homeless guy happened to be wandering in and out of the place at the time. He could be our witness!  Anyway, I love you, Destiny, and I hope you’re feeling the same way.  I hope you’re ready for some kisses tonight!”

What a GREAT message, huh?  Can’t nobody say that Non Juan doesn’t know how to talk to the ladies!

By the time it was time for me to leave for our date, I still hadn’t heard from her.  I figured her phone probably wasn’t working, but that she would still meet me at the Burger King near my apartment.  I got there, sat down (thank goodness they weren’t too busy – I hate having to make table reservations) and waited.

And waited. And waited. And waited…

While I waited, I somehow managed to get a bloody nose.  Luckily, I had a tampon in my pocket in case of such an emergency, and was able to stop the bleeding in its path.  Then, I got up and got me some french fries, but they were way too hot!  I ended up spitting one out of my mouth, and it accidentally landed in an old lady’s wig!  I don’t think she felt it in there, but I made sure to move to a different table so she wouldn’t know it was me!

After about an hour and a half,  Destiny had still not arrived.  I looked outside the Burger King window…

…only to discover that Destiny had gone to the McDonald’s next door by mistake!

I rushed out of the Burger King and ran over to the McDonalds.  When I entered in, I ran up to Destiny and gave her a BIG hug!  She seemed so surprised to see me…

…and so was the guy who was with her!

Destiny started to explain what was going on, but I told her I already knew: she thought I had said “McDonald’s” instead of “Burger King” and had mixed up the restaurants.  She replied:

“Oh, OH! That’s right – I did get them mixed up.  In fact, I had to have my man – er, ‘brother’ here lead me to this place so I wouldn’t get lost.”

She then turned to her brother and thanked him… by kissing him on the lips.  I swear, this family must have been from France, ’cause I had NEVER seen anyone kiss their own family member with tongue before!

At this point, Destiny said it was getting late, and that she had to take her brother back to her place for a night cap.  (What, he doesn’t have his own cap at his house?)  But she did thank me in advance for paying for her combo meal.  I guess since I paid for her food, it can only mean one thing…

I WAS ON AN ACTUAL DATE WITH HER AFTER ALL!!

So, that’s how my date went.  I hope me and Destiny get to go out again – I just know that us being together has to be… uh… hmm… what’s that word?  Hmm, can’t seem to think of it at the moment…

-Non Juan

OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG!! I can’t believe it – I, Non Juan, have a DATE tonight!!

Okay, so what had happen was… I mean, at first, I didn’t know it was happening, but I was down at the video game store last night trying out some game called “The Beatles: Rock Band” (I thought it was a game about actual beetles playing instruments in the forest – I was quite disappointed, to say the least) when, out of nowhere, this girl walks up to me and asked me if I knew where she could find a memory card for her X-box.

I turn around, took one look into her eyes… and then I said:

“Hey! I don’t work here! You’re messing up my score!”

At that point, she challenged me to a “Guitar-off” to see who could get the best score.  Even though I was new to the game, I figured I’d be able to beat her.  After all, if there’s one thing I’m good at, it’s fumbling around with things in my hand.  (Er, try not to take that the wrong way, people!)

Of course, I only knew how to get a high score on the easy level; on the other hand, this girl had the game set to “uber hard” when it was her turn, and her score was higher than Whitney Houston when she was still with Bobby Brown!

After she beat me, she turned to me and said, “Now THAT’s how you play the game!”  Stunned, I said to her:

“Hey, no fair – you must have CHEATED!”

She laughed at me, then said:

“Tell you what – how about if you and I meet up somewhere tomorrow and talk ‘video rock game’ strategies?”

Eager to learn her secrets, we agreed to meet up later tonight at a restaurant.  Then she gave me her name (Destiny) and number and told me to call her.

It wasn’t until I got home and told my best friend, Harry, about the incident… that I found out what she had REALLY been doing: asking ME out on a date!

Did you hear that?? A GIRL… actually asked ME out!!

Frankly, I don’t know how Harry was able to tell – she never explicitly said “Hey Non Juan, let’s go out on a date,” so how was I supposed to know???  Good thing I have friends that can decipher these things for me!

Anyway… so, yeah, I have a DATE tonight!  OMG OMG OMG! I… I’m so nervous! I don’t know what I’m supposed to wear! I don’t know what I’m supposed to say! I don’t know if I should wear my “Hannah Montana” boxers or a pair of depends in case I end up wetting myself from excitement!

I’ll let you all know how the date goes – stay tuned!

-Non Juan

After learning about a new dating site this morning, LastChanceDate.com, I thought it would be a GREAT experience to sign up and finally get a date… They say they can match “ANYONE, and I mean ANYONE….”

I decided to video tape myself and let you leave your comments below to tell me what you think???

Tales from the Non Juan Side: “Hotel, Motel, Non Juan Inn…” ~ If you go with a Non Juan, you better bring a friend… ~ From your “Friends” @ NonJuan.com

NonJuan.com PSA – “Set the mood ~ Turn off the lights…” Non Juans really have a way of setting the mood with women and you will NOT be impressed, but you will be amused. ~ From your “Friends” @ NonJuan.com