Greetings, Non Juan fans!

As you all know, I’ve been on the hunt for a girlfriend for a while now – and by “a while”,  I mean “ever since I slid out the womb.”  It was the last time I was anywhere NEAR a woman’s… well, ya know – and I’ve been trying to get back ever since.

Why the seemingly desperate chase for my one-true love?  Girls bring so much to a guy’s life, and when I see other guys with girlfriends, I feel like I’m missing out on something.

In an attempt to explain myself, I will, from time to time, share with you my reasons as to why I want a girl in my life – and not just because they’ll pay for my meals and drive me places (though it would be nice to get taken some place from time to time…)

REASON WHY GIRLS ARE AWESOME #1: THEY TAKE CARE OF YOU WHEN YOU’RE SICK

Recently, my friend Harry dared me to jump into a pool of water.  This wouldn’t normally be such a bad idea, if it weren’t for the fact that (a) it’s wintertime, (b) it was raining outside, and (c) I’m allergic to certain types of chlorine.

However, I didn’t want to look like a punk in front of my friend, so I dived in.  Next thing I know, I’m breaking out in hives and sweating in 45 degree weather.

Needless to say, I was sick.

During my week-long sickness, I had no one to take care of me – not even my parents (despite the fact that my apartment is located in their backyard.  They even had me quaranteened!)  While making frequent trips back and forth to throw up in my toilet, I kept thinking to myself: “Man, I wish I had a girlfriend here to take care of me…”

Girls are such nurturing people.  No matter how sick you get, they will usually be there whenever you need to be taken care of.  I could have been blowing snot out of every orafice of my body, with burning red eyes and dried-up drool on my face, and – assuming the girl i was dating cared about me – she would’ve been there to wipe me up, get me some eye drops, and put a cup under my mouth to collect my spit.

But did I get any of that help?? NOOOO.  Instead, I was forced to drag myself out of bed, attempt to cook my own meals (which was made even worse since I can’t cook - i burned 3 bowls of soup!), take my own pills (which were mixed up in the scissors drawer – I ended up cutting myself), and draw my own baths (I fell asleep during one of my bathing sessions, and ended up looking like a shrunk raisin.

Having to do all that definitely made me appreciate the nurturing aspect a woman brings to a relationship.  If only I could find one who would do all that stuff for me without being completely grossed out (at my sickness AND at the sight of me), I’d be SO happy.  Luckily I eventually got better – I was THIS CLOSE to calling Dr. Murray to fix me up.  I think he’s on trial for something now, though…

-Non Juan

Well… since my wallet was stolen and my mom has reduced my allowance, I decided that I should become an entrepreneur! I don’t have many talents, but I know ONE that I have that the world (at least all the women of the world) need – Sucking up for NO reason!

Take a look at the commercial I made for my new business and tell me what you think?

Pass this on to all the girls that you know who need my help….please…hello?

Non Juan answers email questions from his fans and gives dating “advice” (BEWARE: If you take this advice you will probably NOT do well with women). Unless, of course, you are a Non Juan and have no clue anyway….

~ From your “Friends” @ http://NonJuan.com

After learning about a new dating site this morning, LastChanceDate.com, I thought it would be a GREAT experience to sign up and finally get a date… They say they can match “ANYONE, and I mean ANYONE….”

I decided to video tape myself and let you leave your comments below to tell me what you think???

Non Juan's Last Chance Date.com

Oh man, you’re not going to BELIEVE what happen to ME today!

I decided to go online and sign up for an online dating service. I heard a lot of good things about eHarmony – their commercials say that they can match ANYONE up with a potential mate – so I went to their website and filled out their questionnaire.

I must tell you, I was kinda nervous about what kinds of questions they would ask me. I usually get flustered whenever girls ask me questions about myself on dates – so much so that I end up puking all over myself AND the girl in question before we even order appetizers. Needless to say, I don’t make it through too many dates, and I also wash a LOT of restaurant dishes

Luckily, the questions on the site weren’t too hard, and I made sure to be absolutely truthful in my answers. I’ll give you a few examples of some questions they asked, along with the answers I gave them:

*What kind of women are you into?
My answer: The kind that breathe, have a soul, and walk on land (although Mermaids are also acceptable).

*What’s the most embarrassing thing that’s happened to you?
My answer: I was walking to urinal to use the bathroom, when I slipped, fell, and landed in a puddle of pee. On the way home to change my clothes, I ran into a crush of mine. I excitedly ran up to her and gave her a huge hug… and forgot that my clothes still needed to be changed

*What do you like to do on Friday nights?
My answer: You mean when I’m not sulking in a pool of my own tears or crying my eyes out next to a bottle of lotion and some “used” tissues? Um…I dunno, bowling?

*What are three things girls usually say about you?
My answer: According to my last 3 restraining orders, the things they usually say are: “He’s creepy”; “he looks like the midget version of Steve Urkel;” and “I need him to be at least 100 yards away from me.”

After I answered all their questions, I clicked the “send” button and waited for the results. I was hoping they would match me up with someone really HOT – not someone too out of my league, just someone in the range of a Halle Berry or Pamela Anderson…

…so, imagine my surprise when the results came back… and they said that I was one of the 20% of people they could NOT find a match for in their database!

Can you believe it?!? Even when trying to date online, I end up getting REJECTED – and I haven’t even met THOSE girls yet!!

Oh well… I guess eHarmony just wasn’t the place for me to try online dating. I’ve tried some of the other dating services, but most of them kicked me out of the system as soon as I uploaded my picture.

I’m still going to give it a shot, though. I found one more dating site – www.LastChanceDate.com – which claims they can find anybody a date, no matter HOW desperate they are. I can’t wait to see what girls they have to offer!

-Non Juan

(Sigh) Another dateless night for me…

Usually I’d be spending this time with my pet hamster Larry, but he’s got a date tonight!  Can you believe it?  My hamster rarely ever leaves its cage, and the one time I forget to close his door, he escapes and manages to meet up with two other hamsters, a gopher, and my mail lady Frieda.  Now he’s got dates booked for the next month with ALL of them!

As for me? The only dates I have lined up are the ones that came with my calendar (and even some of THOSE dates have already canceled)!

It’s okay, though – I don’t have time for dates anyway.  I have other important things I’m working on.  After I’m done typing, I’m going to go clip my toenails and add them to my toenail jar.  I like to keep a collection of them as a reminder of specific times in my life.  For the past 5 weeks I’ve been chasing after this cute girl named Susie (soooo pretty), and yesterday was the first time SHE actually hit on ME!

Well, okay – so technically she slapped me in the face.  I guess I was breathing too much of the oxygen that was surrounding her and it bothered her… but still, the fact that she touched me at all is something that should DEFINITELY be remembered!

Besides, it’s been 5 weeks, and my toenails were starting to get pretty long.  I’ve already scratched holes in 5 pairs of socks and 2 pairs of tennis shoes.  I also flattened a soccer ball when I tried kicking it back to some little kids in the playground.  They got mad, I got chased, and I ended up getting tortured with nipple twisters and Indian skin burns.  Not pretty.

Anyway… I’m off to find a pair of garden shears to cut my nails.  Adios!

-Non Juan