It’s “The Non Juan’s Guide to Dating!” Dating Tip #1: It’s okay to give a girl a compliment… BUT…

Greetings, Non Juan fans!

As you all know, I’ve been on the hunt for a girlfriend for a while now – and by “a while”,  I mean “ever since I slid out the womb.”  It was the last time I was anywhere NEAR a woman’s… well, ya know – and I’ve been trying to get back ever since.

Why the seemingly desperate chase for my one-true love?  Girls bring so much to a guy’s life, and when I see other guys with girlfriends, I feel like I’m missing out on something.

In an attempt to explain myself, I will, from time to time, share with you my reasons as to why I want a girl in my life – and not just because they’ll pay for my meals and drive me places (though it would be nice to get taken some place from time to time…)

REASON WHY GIRLS ARE AWESOME #1: THEY TAKE CARE OF YOU WHEN YOU’RE SICK

Recently, my friend Harry dared me to jump into a pool of water.  This wouldn’t normally be such a bad idea, if it weren’t for the fact that (a) it’s wintertime, (b) it was raining outside, and (c) I’m allergic to certain types of chlorine.

However, I didn’t want to look like a punk in front of my friend, so I dived in.  Next thing I know, I’m breaking out in hives and sweating in 45 degree weather.

Needless to say, I was sick.

During my week-long sickness, I had no one to take care of me – not even my parents (despite the fact that my apartment is located in their backyard.  They even had me quaranteened!)  While making frequent trips back and forth to throw up in my toilet, I kept thinking to myself: “Man, I wish I had a girlfriend here to take care of me…”

Girls are such nurturing people.  No matter how sick you get, they will usually be there whenever you need to be taken care of.  I could have been blowing snot out of every orafice of my body, with burning red eyes and dried-up drool on my face, and – assuming the girl i was dating cared about me – she would’ve been there to wipe me up, get me some eye drops, and put a cup under my mouth to collect my spit.

But did I get any of that help?? NOOOO.  Instead, I was forced to drag myself out of bed, attempt to cook my own meals (which was made even worse since I can’t cook - i burned 3 bowls of soup!), take my own pills (which were mixed up in the scissors drawer – I ended up cutting myself), and draw my own baths (I fell asleep during one of my bathing sessions, and ended up looking like a shrunk raisin.

Having to do all that definitely made me appreciate the nurturing aspect a woman brings to a relationship.  If only I could find one who would do all that stuff for me without being completely grossed out (at my sickness AND at the sight of me), I’d be SO happy.  Luckily I eventually got better – I was THIS CLOSE to calling Dr. Murray to fix me up.  I think he’s on trial for something now, though…

-Non Juan

Hey! Can’t control your woman? Do like Non Juan – go to the Charlie Sheen school of dating!

Remember the SNL digital short “I’m on a Boat” featuring Lonely Island and T-Pain? Well, these guys couldn’t afford to get a boat – instead, they stole an old lady’s credit card, rented a camera, and made their OWN version of the song called “I’m Friggin’ Broke!”

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That “NON-ladies man” Non Juan begs the public to leave Tiger Woods alone (Chris Crocker style). Subscribe to YouTube.com/NonJuanRejected today!

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Non Juan's "Erectile Dysfunction" Video

Well, Snoop Dogg may be a huge hip hop star with plenty of women, money, cars, houses, jewelry, friends,…uh you get it. But, I…uh…well…errr….hmmm… I guess he has EVERYTHING that I don’t – including a hit song, “Sensual Seduction.”

Since I don’t really know anything about that subject, I decided to do a song about a subject that I actually DO KNOW lots about. It kinda deals with “that special part of the male anatomy” and something tells me that I should not be sharing this with all the ladies, but ~ what the heck – - Here is my new music video for “Erectile Dysfunction” from my 909s and Heart Flatlines CD (available on iTunes). BTW – I am offering it as a ringtone for FREE on my homepage for a limited time! YEAH!!!

Once again, it’s time for me to give out some unfounded Non Juan dating advice!  Remember: if you have any dating/relationship questions you’d like for me to answer, send an email to ASK@NonJuan.com, or call me toll-free at 877-NON-JUAN and leave your question on my answering machine!

Today’s Non Juan Dating Tip:

USE BEGGING TO MAKE HER DATE YOU!

Asking a girl out can be a nerve-racking experience for any guy.  They might look at you funny, say no, or – if you’re someone like me – hit you over the head with their sub sandwich while sicking their dogs on you.

If you ask a girl out and she says no, does it really mean she won’t go out with you? Well, most people would probably say “yes.”  And who are these people, you ask?

QUITTERS, that’s who!

A girl saying “no” to you simply means one thing: you haven’t (a) asked her out enough times to wear her down enough to say “yes”, and (b) you’re not asking in the right way.

And what exactly IS the “right way” to ask a girl out?”

BEGGING!

That’s right, fellas – if you want a girl to go out with you, all you have to do is get on your knees, grovel at her feet, and ask her over and over again to go out with you.  (Bonus points if you can muster up some tears – that’s what I call the “advanced” stages of begging!)

You may think doing this will make you appear desperate, aloof, and unsuave – and it does – but most importantly: IT WILL GET YOU A DATE.

Why?

Most girls hate going out with guys they don’t have a thing for, but they hate the idea of hurting someone’s feelings even MORE.  When she sees how willing you are to take her out for a free meal and/or movie (or both), she’ll eventually shrug her shoulders, look at you with those sexy eyes of hers, and say:

“Eh, why not? If he’s paying, I guess I can suffer through spending a few hours with him.”

Sure, she won’t really be going out with you because she likes you.  Sure, she’ll probably still be repulsed by the fact that she has to spend time with you for x-amount of time.  And sure, the fact that you begged and came across as desperate and needy may cause her to want to stay away from you after you take her out.

But at least you got to take her out!

That’s all for today, Non Juan fans! Remember: if you’ve got a dating/relationship question, email me at ASK@NonJuan.com or call 877-NON-JUAN (666-5826) today!

-Non Juan

From Your Friends @ http://www.NonJuan.com Non Juan EXCLUSIVE: First video review ANYWHERE for 50 Cent’s newest album, Before I Self Destruct – reviewed by none other than that (non) ladies man, Non Juan! Watch, share, and watch it again!

Tales from the Non Juan Side: “Pimps…and…Rockers?” Just like a Non Juan to NOT know whether he is a pimp or a punk rocker… Really, Come on now….

~ From your “Friends” @ http://NonJuan.com

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For more Tales from the Non Juan side, go to http://NonJuan.com

Non Juan… being a “Non Juan” – - what else would you expect?

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Follow Non Juan’s Adventures in Dating EVERYDAY at http://www.twitter.com/nonjuan (@nonjuan)

~ From your “Friends” @ http://NonJuan.com