It’s “The Non Juan’s Guide to Dating!” Dating Tip #1: It’s okay to give a girl a compliment… BUT…

Umm… Errr.. If this is the story of a “Perfect Gentleman” – well… You tell us what you think?????

Greetings, Non Juan fans!

As you all know, I’ve been on the hunt for a girlfriend for a while now – and by “a while”,  I mean “ever since I slid out the womb.”  It was the last time I was anywhere NEAR a woman’s… well, ya know – and I’ve been trying to get back ever since.

Why the seemingly desperate chase for my one-true love?  Girls bring so much to a guy’s life, and when I see other guys with girlfriends, I feel like I’m missing out on something.

In an attempt to explain myself, I will, from time to time, share with you my reasons as to why I want a girl in my life – and not just because they’ll pay for my meals and drive me places (though it would be nice to get taken some place from time to time…)

REASON WHY GIRLS ARE AWESOME #1: THEY TAKE CARE OF YOU WHEN YOU’RE SICK

Recently, my friend Harry dared me to jump into a pool of water.  This wouldn’t normally be such a bad idea, if it weren’t for the fact that (a) it’s wintertime, (b) it was raining outside, and (c) I’m allergic to certain types of chlorine.

However, I didn’t want to look like a punk in front of my friend, so I dived in.  Next thing I know, I’m breaking out in hives and sweating in 45 degree weather.

Needless to say, I was sick.

During my week-long sickness, I had no one to take care of me – not even my parents (despite the fact that my apartment is located in their backyard.  They even had me quaranteened!)  While making frequent trips back and forth to throw up in my toilet, I kept thinking to myself: “Man, I wish I had a girlfriend here to take care of me…”

Girls are such nurturing people.  No matter how sick you get, they will usually be there whenever you need to be taken care of.  I could have been blowing snot out of every orafice of my body, with burning red eyes and dried-up drool on my face, and – assuming the girl i was dating cared about me – she would’ve been there to wipe me up, get me some eye drops, and put a cup under my mouth to collect my spit.

But did I get any of that help?? NOOOO.  Instead, I was forced to drag myself out of bed, attempt to cook my own meals (which was made even worse since I can’t cook - i burned 3 bowls of soup!), take my own pills (which were mixed up in the scissors drawer – I ended up cutting myself), and draw my own baths (I fell asleep during one of my bathing sessions, and ended up looking like a shrunk raisin.

Having to do all that definitely made me appreciate the nurturing aspect a woman brings to a relationship.  If only I could find one who would do all that stuff for me without being completely grossed out (at my sickness AND at the sight of me), I’d be SO happy.  Luckily I eventually got better – I was THIS CLOSE to calling Dr. Murray to fix me up.  I think he’s on trial for something now, though…

-Non Juan

From http://www.NonJuan.com – Could dating a drunk Mariah (and drunk girls in general) be a solution to Non Juan’s dating problems?? Watch the video to find out!

Remember the SNL digital short “I’m on a Boat” featuring Lonely Island and T-Pain? Well, these guys couldn’t afford to get a boat – instead, they stole an old lady’s credit card, rented a camera, and made their OWN version of the song called “I’m Friggin’ Broke!”

Watch, laugh, share, and watch it again!

Follow Non Juan at http://www.twitter.com/NonJuan

Well, Snoop Dogg may be a huge hip hop star with plenty of women, money, cars, houses, jewelry, friends,uh… you get it. But, I bet I can count up the change in your pocket faster than he can! Ok, so I guess he has EVERYTHING that I don’t including a hit song last year called “Sensual Seduction.”

Since I don’t really know anything about that subject, I decided to do a song about a subject that I actually DO KNOW lots about. It kinda deals with that special part of the male anatomy and something tells me that I should not be sharing this with all the ladies, but ~ what the heck – Here is my new music video for Erectile Dysfunction from my 909s and Heart Flatlines CD (available on iTunes). BTW I am offering it as a ringtone for **FREE** on my homepage http://NonJuan.com for a limited time! YEAH!!!

Also available on my album (get it on iTunes TODAY!), “909s and Heart Flatlines”

From Your Friends @ http://www.NonJuan.com Non Juan EXCLUSIVE: First video review ANYWHERE for 50 Cent’s newest album, Before I Self Destruct – reviewed by none other than that (non) ladies man, Non Juan! Watch, share, and watch it again!

Non Juan… being a “Non Juan” – - what else would you expect?

Laugh, Share with YOUR FRIENDS, and Watch Again…

Follow Non Juan’s Adventures in Dating EVERYDAY at http://www.twitter.com/nonjuan (@nonjuan)

~ From your “Friends” @ http://NonJuan.com

Ladies and gentlemen (and especially ladies), I present to you…

The first ever music album by Non Juan!

Thaaaaaat’s right, people – I made an album!

As you all know, I’ve been trying to figure out various ways to make some extra money so I can take girls out on dates.  Not that I’d be paying for THEM, but rather for myself – those $1 value meals don’t come cheap, ya know!

Since I have a lot of free time on my weekends (what with the staying home and bawling my eyes out while all the girls I have crushes on date other people), I decided to use some of that time to practice my rapping skills.  Next thing I know, I had over 100 songs recorded!

Okay, to be fair, most of the “recordings” weren’t songs.  About 90 of the tracks I recorded was audio of me begging Tila Tequila to date me.  I sent all the tracks to her to listen to before I put them out for the public to hear… and I got a letter from her lawyers saying they’d take “drastic action” against me that would result in me feeling “pain, suffering and malnourishment” were they to be released.

In the midst of those tracks, though, I recorded 10 songs that were NOT about Ms. Tequila.  Since most of these songs are about me not getting girls, I wanted to name it “808s and Heartbreak.”  Then I found out Kanye West had retroactively stolen my album title!

So instead, I changed the name to “909s and Heart Flatlines!”  Here are the songs on the album (available on iTunes, Amazon, Napster, Rhapsody, Limewire and more!):

1. I’m a Non Juan
2. Tongue Tied
3. Erectile Dysfunction
4. 100 Girl Friends
5. A Wonderful Non Juan Day
6. Do The Non Juan
7. Outta Luck
8. Wack-I-Tis
9. Hooptie
10. I’m All Alone (feat. Don “Magic” Juan and Hajanique)

Check out the first 2 music videos I made for the album: “I’m a Non Juan” and “Tongue Tied!”

“I’m a Non Juan” Music Video

“Tongue Tied” Music Video

Those videos were awesome!  Don’t forget to share them with your friends!  More importantly, GET THE ALBUM SO I CAN AFFORD TO GO ON DATES!!

-Non Juan

Hey everybody!

As some of you may know, I’ve been trying to figure out various ways to make some money on my own.  I’ve been to quite a few job interviews so far, but nobody seems to be hiring! I’ve applied for jobs at a fast food restaurant, a crash-test dummy lab… heck, I even applied to work at a Haunted House for the month of October, and they turned me down! Why? They said I was OVER-qualified!!

So, I’m trying out different ideas to try and make a quick buck.  I’ve already opened up my “Non Juan Hotline” (877-NON-JUAN, for all you ladies out there lookin’ for a hot stud, or for you fellas that need relationship advice).  Now, I’m trying out my next idea…

NON JUAN: SUPA-STAR RAPPER!!

I know what you’re thinking: “Non Juan? A rapper? YOU?!?”  Yes, yes, I know I should have thought of it sooner, but I usually focus all my attention on trying to get girls. 

It wasn’t until I looked in my journal one day and saw all the poems and sonnets I’d written about all the women who’ve turned me down over the years that I realized: “Hey, I could turn these stories into songs and make a fortune as a hip-hop artist!”

So, what could I rap about? Well, most rappers usually talk about what’s going on in their lives, so I figured I could do the same.  All I need is some slick wordplay, some hot beats, and, of course, a music video with someone famous in it to give me a co-sign, and BAM! Instant fame – and much less embarrassing than the fame (and shame) I got after being on “C.O.P.S.”  (I told those police officers my date stole my clothes for her ex-boyfriend, but NOOOOO, they just couldn’t believe me!)

And, it just so happens that I went to the world’s most famous ladies man, Don “Magic” Juan, for counseling this weekend, and filmed the whole visit! 

When I got back home, I wrote a song about what we talked about, did some edits to my footage (which I had plenty of time to do since no girls called me yesterday)… and now, I have a music video!

Check it out everybody - my music video for my song, “I’m a Non Juan,” featuring Don “Magic” Juan!

Oh man, wasn’t that GREAT!  I look so GOOD in this video!  And who knows – if it takes off, I might just put together a whole album of songs!  I can see it now: fame, fortune… and ladies. Lots and lots of ladies… all screaming my name – and this time, with approval!

I think I’m gonna start recording some more songs right now – TTYL!

-Non Juan