Good news, everybody – I think I’m starting to improve my “game” a bit!

If you’ve seen some of my recent videos, you may know that I was ordered to go see Don “Magic” Juan to better my relationship with the ladies.  After our first session… well, he could sense that I REALLY needed some help, so he took me out to the club to practice talking to girls.

Try as I might, I kept getting “Tongue Tied,” and ended up falling flat on my face.

SO, he had to take me all the way back to square zero (square one was just way too nerve-racking for me) and help me get comfortable around women.

First, he had me look at pictures of supermodels and say “hi” to them.  In the beginning, I would look at the picture… and then pass out.

Slowly but surely, I was eventually able to say “hi” to the picture without feeling too nauseous.  The next step was to come up with a follow-up statement.  Don “Magic” Juan wanted me to say something like “How are you?” or “So, you come around here often?”

Instead, my brain kept making me say things like, “Was that dress made out of a curtain?” or “Your feet are big! Can we exchange shoes?”

Eventually, I was able to come up with simple things, like “Isn’t the weather nice today?” and “What’s that thing over there?”

Finally, the REAL test: having a 5-minute conversation with a girl.  Don “Magic” Juan would set up a teddy bear with a blond wig and have me talk to her for 5 minutes about anything.

This lesson took me the longest to get.  After saying “hi” and “isn’t the weather nice today?” I couldn’t really think of anything too interesting to say.  I mean, I TRIED talking about my pet hamster, my collection of pictures of people collecting things and how I cracked the secret code in the latest “Halo” game; but Don thought it best not to talk about those things.

Then, he showed me a neat little trick: apparently, if you ask THEM questions about THEMSELVES, it makes it easier for them to talk to YOU instead!

So, I asked the teddy bea- er, I mean, “girl” – a few questions.  Just some simple little things like “What do you do?” “What’s your favorite food?” and “Why do you look like a Teddy Bear?” The best part? I managed to stretch it out all the way to 5 minutes, which meant I got a “Gold Happy Star Sticker” from Don “Magic” Juan!

My next test will be taking some of the things I’ve learned and using them on actual breathing, real-life girls.  I hope I’ll be able to do it without swallowing my tongue! Either way, I think it’s safe to say that my game may just be starting to improve!

-Non Juan

Got a relationship question? Email Non Juan!  Write ASK@NonJuan.com today!

Ladies and gentlemen (and especially ladies), I present to you…

The first ever music album by Non Juan!

Thaaaaaat’s right, people – I made an album!

As you all know, I’ve been trying to figure out various ways to make some extra money so I can take girls out on dates.  Not that I’d be paying for THEM, but rather for myself – those $1 value meals don’t come cheap, ya know!

Since I have a lot of free time on my weekends (what with the staying home and bawling my eyes out while all the girls I have crushes on date other people), I decided to use some of that time to practice my rapping skills.  Next thing I know, I had over 100 songs recorded!

Okay, to be fair, most of the “recordings” weren’t songs.  About 90 of the tracks I recorded was audio of me begging Tila Tequila to date me.  I sent all the tracks to her to listen to before I put them out for the public to hear… and I got a letter from her lawyers saying they’d take “drastic action” against me that would result in me feeling “pain, suffering and malnourishment” were they to be released.

In the midst of those tracks, though, I recorded 10 songs that were NOT about Ms. Tequila.  Since most of these songs are about me not getting girls, I wanted to name it “808s and Heartbreak.”  Then I found out Kanye West had retroactively stolen my album title!

So instead, I changed the name to “909s and Heart Flatlines!”  Here are the songs on the album (available on iTunes, Amazon, Napster, Rhapsody, Limewire and more!):

1. I’m a Non Juan
2. Tongue Tied
3. Erectile Dysfunction
4. 100 Girl Friends
5. A Wonderful Non Juan Day
6. Do The Non Juan
7. Outta Luck
8. Wack-I-Tis
9. Hooptie
10. I’m All Alone (feat. Don “Magic” Juan and Hajanique)

Check out the first 2 music videos I made for the album: “I’m a Non Juan” and “Tongue Tied!”

“I’m a Non Juan” Music Video

“Tongue Tied” Music Video

Those videos were awesome!  Don’t forget to share them with your friends!  More importantly, GET THE ALBUM SO I CAN AFFORD TO GO ON DATES!!

-Non Juan

As you all may remember, last week I decided to try and make some money by becoming a rap artist, and debuted my first music video, “I’m a Non Juan!” 

For the video, I used the first part of the footage I filmed when I went to see Don “Magic” Juan about my girl problems. (And no, that doesn’t mean I actually AM a girl, or have any sort of actual “feminine” issues going on.)  After the in-house counseling session, he decided to take me out to the club so I could practice hitting on women with REAL women, as opposed to my usual practice method of trying my lines out on hot-looking mannequins.  BTW: has any one else out there been turned down for a date by a mannequin before? Doesn’t feel very good

Anyway, I decided to use the second half of the footage for my newest video, “Tongue Tied!” Why did I give the song that title? Um… well… you’ll just have to watch the video to find out…

Oh yeah – this song, along with “I’m a Non Juan,” is part of my first-ever album, “909s and Heart Flatlines!”  I recorded it this past week whenever I had some free time… which I usually tend to have because… ah well, you know…

The album is available on iTunes, Amazon.com, Rhapsody.com, Napster.com, and just about any other place you can find music online! 

Enjoy the video, and I’ll see you all later!

-Non Juan

Hey everybody!

As some of you may know, I’ve been trying to figure out various ways to make some money on my own.  I’ve been to quite a few job interviews so far, but nobody seems to be hiring! I’ve applied for jobs at a fast food restaurant, a crash-test dummy lab… heck, I even applied to work at a Haunted House for the month of October, and they turned me down! Why? They said I was OVER-qualified!!

So, I’m trying out different ideas to try and make a quick buck.  I’ve already opened up my “Non Juan Hotline” (877-NON-JUAN, for all you ladies out there lookin’ for a hot stud, or for you fellas that need relationship advice).  Now, I’m trying out my next idea…

NON JUAN: SUPA-STAR RAPPER!!

I know what you’re thinking: “Non Juan? A rapper? YOU?!?”  Yes, yes, I know I should have thought of it sooner, but I usually focus all my attention on trying to get girls. 

It wasn’t until I looked in my journal one day and saw all the poems and sonnets I’d written about all the women who’ve turned me down over the years that I realized: “Hey, I could turn these stories into songs and make a fortune as a hip-hop artist!”

So, what could I rap about? Well, most rappers usually talk about what’s going on in their lives, so I figured I could do the same.  All I need is some slick wordplay, some hot beats, and, of course, a music video with someone famous in it to give me a co-sign, and BAM! Instant fame – and much less embarrassing than the fame (and shame) I got after being on “C.O.P.S.”  (I told those police officers my date stole my clothes for her ex-boyfriend, but NOOOOO, they just couldn’t believe me!)

And, it just so happens that I went to the world’s most famous ladies man, Don “Magic” Juan, for counseling this weekend, and filmed the whole visit! 

When I got back home, I wrote a song about what we talked about, did some edits to my footage (which I had plenty of time to do since no girls called me yesterday)… and now, I have a music video!

Check it out everybody - my music video for my song, “I’m a Non Juan,” featuring Don “Magic” Juan!

Oh man, wasn’t that GREAT!  I look so GOOD in this video!  And who knows – if it takes off, I might just put together a whole album of songs!  I can see it now: fame, fortune… and ladies. Lots and lots of ladies… all screaming my name – and this time, with approval!

I think I’m gonna start recording some more songs right now – TTYL!

-Non Juan

The official, original, and ridiculous theme song and first music video by Non Juan ~ Featuring The Archbishop Don “Magic” Juan, Tila Tequila, and Hannah Montana.

You have to watch it to believe it….

hey – - Watch, Laugh, Share with YOUR FRIENDS, and Watch Again…

~ From your “Friends” @ http://NonJuan.com

Follow Non Juan’s Adventures in Dating EVERYDAY at http://www.twitter.com/nonjuan (@nonjuan)

This song is available @ itunes, amazon, and rhapsody!!! GET it TODAY!

On Wednesday’s scribble, I mentioned that a girl I had gone out with in the past named Angela had called me and asked if I could take her out for a date on Saturday night (if you missed it, you can read about my history with her right HERE).

I wasn’t sure if I was going to take her out… okay, so I already KNEW I was probably going to agree to do so.  I didn’t have much confidence that she’d have a good time with me (especially since most of my dates end with the girl either getting sick, calling a cab, or jet-setting off with some other guy she meets while we’re out)…

…BUT…

That was BEFORE my night out with the #1 ladies man in the world, Archbishop Don “Magic” Juan!

Thanks to an evening filled with lessons, graphs, and parables on the inner-workings of women (as well as some hands-on/interactive activities which you can read about HERE), I was able to up my confidence and get WAY more comfortable around the opposite sex…

Okay – so I got tongue tied during my interactions and passed out after having a sip (i.e. a drop) of “Magic” Juan’s holy water. 

Still, I figured at least SOME of what he taught me had to have stuck.  I decided to accept Angela’s invitation for me to take her out.  She told me to let her know where we’d be going and how much it costs, and I did.  When I told her I’d be taking her to White Castle for some “royalty-approved” hamburgers, she responded back in the most loving way she could:

“Geez, Non Juan, that’s not very expensive!  I don’t know if I can go out with you after all…”

I listed a few more places – Applebees, Olive Garden, El Pollo Loco – but Angela insisted that none of them cost a lot of money, and, therefore, were not of high quality.

Finally, I mentioned a restaurant that… well, it’s so fancy that the name of it is actually a combination of three different languages and unpronounceable.  Heck, it’s so expensive, you have to actually PAY the hostess just to find a table for you!  Amazingly, Angela agreed to go – I was so happy!

As promised, she picked me up from my apartment at 7 and drove me to the restaurant.  I was hoping to have some stimulating conversation with her in the car… but it was kind of hard to hear her, seeing as she had made me sit in the trunk (something about there not being enough room for both me AND the oxygen she needed to breath inside the car seating area). 

It didn’t matter, though – once we got seated at the restaurant, I made SURE we talked about… um, well… according to Don “Magic” Juan, women LOVE talking about themselves, so I tried to do my best to ask her questions that would make her want to talk. Questions like:

• “So, tell me about that brown blemish you have on your cheek?”
• “What guys did you date that dumped you and made you available for tonight?”
• “By paying for this date, does it mean I get to make out with you?”
• “What is your favorite color mold?”
• “Have your teeth always been that yellow?”

Despite my wonderful questions, though, she seemed more angry at me than willing to talk.  She said something about being ready to leave if it weren’t for the fact that I was paying.  Guess that means it’s not true what they say – for me, money CAN buy me happiness!

As for our meals: she ordered the lobster/duck/caviar combo plate, and I.. well, after seeing how much her meal cost, I had just enough money left over for a glass of tap water with frozen ice – and even THAT set me back by $21! 

It’s okay, though – I figured if she saw how much I was willing to pay, she’d be all like: “Oh Non Juan! You’re the BOMB!  After dinner, we are definitely going somewhere to make out!”

Unfortunately, it didn’t quite happen like that.  While our waiter was dropping off our food… well, I don’t know what was happening, ’cause I started eating my food as soon as he put the plate down in front of me.  I couldn’t hear much while I was chewing my food (which I do with my mouth open so I won’t pass out, like that one time at Denny’s where… um, okay, that’s another story), but Angela and the waiter seemed to be getting along great – she was laughing, he was pulling on her hair and making “gooey-eyes” at her – all very innocent.

I ate so fast that I got a little bit of a stomach ache, and told Angela I’d be gong to the bathroom.  When I got back to our table, I noticed two things: the check was there… and Angela was not!

“Oh no,” I thought to myself, “Angela’s been kidnapped! I have to find her!” 

I ran around the restaurant, yelling her name and running under tables hoping to find her.  I think a few of the women at these tables were upset at me, partially for interrupting their dinners and partially for looking up their dresses for my dear Angela (side note: who knew so many women wore granny panties on dates??).  After no luck searching (and quite a few smacks to the face), I went back to my table, opened up the check book, and found a note from Angela that said:

“Sorry Non Juan – I didn’t have enough money to tip the waiter, so I decided to let him take me home and let him ‘tip’ me, if you know what I mean. TTYL, lame-o!”

Aww, how sweet!  She felt so bad for this waiter that she’s going to let HIM pay her money?? That’s why I’ve always liked her in the first place - she’s so nice and giving!  I’ll be she let him give her all the tip he wanted to, too!

As for me… well, I didn’t have enough to pay for her entire meal (a trio combo like the one she ordered is NOT cheap), so I had to stay at the restaurant and wash dishes, clean up the food pantry, and other unspeakable things that I’m not allowed to talk about until I get a new lawyer.

Such a great date… glad to see those tips from Don “Magic” Juan are starting to pay off!

-Non Juan

Well, guys, I think I may finally be getting a good idea on how to interact with women, thanks to none other than the number one ladies man in the world, Don “Magic” Juan!

It all started Thursday, when I got an invite in the mail from a girl named “Courtney Appeals” (or “Court” for short) to go on a date.  Um… okay, so it turned out her name wasn’t actually “Courtney…” and it was actually a court date I got as a result of yet ANOTHER girl getting a restraining order against me!  I wasn’t even NEAR this girl when I got it – all I did was leave her 312 phone messages telling her how pretty her ear hair was!

Anyway, the judge (whom I had unknowingly tried to hit on before going into the courthouse) said I’d either have to pay a hefty find, or get “counseling” for my issues with women.  Hey, I don’t have any issues with women – they all have issues with me!  Oh well… I didn’t have enough money to pay the fine, so I decided to look in the phone book and see if there was anyone out there who might know a lil bit more about women than me.

Lo and behold: I found an ad in the book for Don “Magic” Juan’s counseling service.  According to the ad, he could take any guy - even the most pathetic, downright awful guy whose bad with women – and turn them into a certified MACK.  Plus, he’s worked with Snoop Dogg, P.Diddy, Ludacris, etc., and all of them have DOZENS of women hanging around them. 

I called him up and schedued an appointment for Friday.  The next day, I went to his offices and told him all about my various girl troubles, including:

• Not being able to get them to call me back
• My online girlfriend not wanting to see me… despite the fact that she lives next door!
• How I keep getting the “let’s just be friends” speech from all the girls I try to date
• My poetic words not turning them on (Sample poem line: “Your nose hair is sexy and so are your foot corns!”)

After assessing my situation, the Archbishop came to one conclusion:

“You know as much about women as a skunk does about taking a bath.”

I didn’t know what his assessment meant (I’ve never smelt a skunk, so I don’t know how clean they actually get), but he said I was so pathetic that he’d be willing to take me under his wing and show me how to get the ladies!

So, how did it go? Well, I don’t want to give all of it away since I actually got it on video (thanks to my trusty ol’ pocket HD film camera – I got it when a girl was throwing stuff at me as I tried walking up to her doorway); however, Don spent a great amount of time drawing me diagrams, feeding me parables about dating, and teaching me mind techniques to use so I wouldn’t get so tongue tied when talking to the opposite sex.

I think it went pretty well for the most part… I don’t remember too much of what happened after “Magic” Juan took me to the club with him and gave me a sip of his “Holy Water” (note: it’s not water, and it’s definitely NOT holy) but I DID get it on tape.  The last thing I remember was going up to some girl and trying to “spit some game” at her (is that what it’s called? I think that’s what Don taught me…)  I ended up waking up this afternoon in a trash can out near the back of the club. 

As for Don “Magic” Juan, he wasn’t anywhere in sight when I woke up.  However, I did find a note in my pocket from him that said:

“You are a TERRIBLE disappointment.  After all that good game I gave you, I couldn’t stay here and watch you ruin my good name that I’ve spent 30-plus years building up.  Call me when you’re ready to take these lessons SERIOUSLY, and I might – MIGHT – decide to try helping you again.  P.S. I took home all three of the girls you tried talking to last night – PREACH! CHURCH! TABERNACLE!”

So, there ya go! I’ll be sure to post up some of the video from last night’s events sometime in the near future.  As for right now… I have another date to go on with Angela! (She’s the girl I scribbled about a few days ago).  Now that I’ve gotten a few lessons from Don “Magic” Juan, I should do alright tonight… hopefully, anyway…

-Non Juan