The easiest way to ruin your chances with a woman… is to BELIEVE her when she talks about what she wants out of a relationship.

This may seem like an idiotic statement, but it’s been my experience that the more you try to convince yourself that what a woman’s saying is what she wants, the more damage you do to yourself in this game of love.

How many times have you seen a girl friend of yours dating someone that, based on previous conversations with her, is no where NEAR what she said she’s looking for?

For example: a few weeks ago, I was talking to a lady, and she mentioned that she was dating a guy that had kids.  The only problem: she had previously mentioned that she didn’t want to date ANY guy who had kids.

What changed her mind? According to her:

“…I don’t know… it was just something about him that I couldn’t resist, and the kids part was no longer an issue.”

In other words, what changed her mind was that she had a HIGH INTEREST in this guy.  When a woman is really, REALLY digging a guy, all the self-imposed “rules” she makes up for her dating life go flying out the window.

More importantly, though: when this guy met this girl, she initially didn’t want to see him.  Why? Because she knew he had kids.

HOWEVER…

That didn’t stop him from trying.  He chose not to listen to the words she was saying, because he knew they were pure B.S.

WHAT A WOMAN CLAIMS TO WANT OUT OF A RELATIONSHIP DOESN’T MATTER IF SHE REALLY LIKES YOU.

You could meet a woman who says she only dates men who believe in God, and that same woman could turn around the next day and fall head-over-heels for a devil-worshiping Satanist if she’s really feeling him.

The bottom line is, if you believe a woman when she throws out a dating disclaimer, you will truly limit the number of girls you attempt to date.  ALL girls will throw out some kind of dating disclaimer – it’s their made-up way of trying to “protect” themselves from dating a weirdo.

If you don’t believe me, take a look at me: I’m short, wear glasses, and have the fashion sense of a blind iguana.  These characteristics used to make me think that no girl would EVER want me.

Now, I don’t let it become an issue.  If a woman says to me, “I only date tall men,” I act as if I didn’t even hear the statement and continue flirting with her.  Needless to say, I go on a LOT more dates now with gi rls who are taller than me – and most of them offer their number to me without me asking first!

So remember: when a woman starts talkin’ about qualities she looks for in a mate, turn your brain to “off” for a few minutes, wait until she’s done talking, then continue on pursuing her.  (Note: if she pulls out the can of mace, though, you may want to walk away

-Non Juan

Well, another Valentine’s Day is here and still no date (not even close). So, I went to this site - LastChanceDate.com to try my luck for a final attempt at a date (or at least someone to say, “Hi” to me). The site says that “it’s 100% Free – Find someone as ugly – - I mean “facially challenged” as you… Answer a few questions and you could be another moderately satisfied customer like our featured couple – Biscuits and Gravy” – so, I should have a shot… right?

It’s “The Non Juan’s Guide to Dating!” Dating Tip #1: It’s okay to give a girl a compliment… BUT…

Hey! Can’t control your woman? Do like Non Juan – go to the Charlie Sheen school of dating!

It’s NON JUAN MAILBAG FRIDAYS!

Each Friday, I like to take time out of my busy schedule (of playing video games and begging girls to date me) and answer YOUR dating/relationship questions!  This week’s question comes from a guy who keeps getting tongue tied while talking to the ladies (a problem I know all too much about)…

—

Dear Non Juan:

I need advice – I want this girl named Ashley but I can’t say anything 2 her without saying sumthin’ stupid!

-D.R.

Greetings, D.R.!

So, you’re trying to talk to a girl named Ashely, huh? You open your mouth up and end up saying somethin’ stupid, eh?

First – in the future, I’ll need more detailed info. What kind of stupid stuff are you saying? Are you saying stuff that makes sense but you THINK sounds moronic, or are you just putting words together that don’t make sense? Details, man, details!!

At any rate, just the fact that you think you’re saying stupid-sounding stuff to this chick lets me know something very important…

YOU… are a GREAT follower of the Non-Juan principles!

Anytime a guy puts emphasis and worry into what he’s saying to a girl, it shows how eager he is to talk about stuff that won’t displease her. The more worried you are, the more strain your brain will put into analyzing each and every word coming out of your mouth!

Even trying to say something as straight-forward as “I think that dress looks great on you” will be over-anaylzed – you’ll be able to convince yourself that even this statement will be taken by her as “I think that dress looks horrible on your body, and you should be burned at the stake for wearing it!”

Also, if you’re focusing so hard on what you’re saying to this one girl, it means you aren’t going after other girls. GOOD FOR YOU!

As a general rule, you should always focus your efforts on ONE girl at a time.  Don’t listen to those OTHER gurus who claim it’s okay to date more than one girl at a time, until you decide which one you want to be with.  FOOEY, I say!

Nope, instead, you should focus all your energy on that one babe who has your heart all a flutter.  Sure, you’ll be extra nervous since you’re only giving yourself only ONE shot at getting with someone; and sure, you’ll probably set yourself up for disappointment when this ONE girl decides not to date you.  And yes, you might end up pushing away other girls who may have chosen you as their “dream guy” in the event that your “dream girl” turned you down.

But then again, why give off the impression to this ONE girl that you actually have other options?? The last thing a girl wants to have to do is compete for you, right? What kind of excitement would THAT bring to her life??

So, next time you are communicating with a woman, here’s what I suggest:

(1) When you talk to her, talk only about safe stuff. Steer clear of talking about any topics that may stir up emotions in her (abortion, war, religion, etc.). Getting a woman excited for any reason is a no-no – the safest bet is to mention topics that are neutral, and will stir up NOTHING in her but sheer boredom!

(2) Worry about what she’s thinking when you talk. That way, everything you say will be planned out carefully.  Granted, you’ll probably end up too worried about offending her to actually SAY anything, and she won’t end up getting to know the REAL you.  Still – better than sounding stupid!

Speaking of which…

(3) DO NOT SHOW OFF THE REAL YOU!! By saying this, I mean you need to constantly say stuff and act in a way that is pleasing to  women at all times. Don’t be the “real you” like you are around your friends – ya know, the relaxed guy who’s friends hang out with him despite saying dumb stuff from time to time. I mean, lord knows she probably never says ANYTHING stupid, right? And if she did, you’d probably NEVER go out with her, right?

Instead, stick to being the fake “perfect” you.  With any luck, she might actually fall for your act and you’ll end up with a girlfriend!  (Of course, keeping her might be another issue, especially if you accidentally end up showing her how you REALLY are once you’re dating.  On the plus side, at least you’ll be able to say you had a girlfriend!)
—

That’s all for now, everybody! See ya next week!!

-Non Juan

Got a dating/relationship question for Non Juan? Write ASK@NonJuan.com today!

Once again, it’s time for me to give out some unfounded Non Juan dating advice!  Remember: if you have any dating/relationship questions you’d like for me to answer, send an email to ASK@NonJuan.com, or call me toll-free at 877-NON-JUAN and leave your question on my answering machine!

Today’s Non Juan Dating Tip:

USE BEGGING TO MAKE HER DATE YOU!

Asking a girl out can be a nerve-racking experience for any guy.  They might look at you funny, say no, or – if you’re someone like me – hit you over the head with their sub sandwich while sicking their dogs on you.

If you ask a girl out and she says no, does it really mean she won’t go out with you? Well, most people would probably say “yes.”  And who are these people, you ask?

QUITTERS, that’s who!

A girl saying “no” to you simply means one thing: you haven’t (a) asked her out enough times to wear her down enough to say “yes”, and (b) you’re not asking in the right way.

And what exactly IS the “right way” to ask a girl out?”

BEGGING!

That’s right, fellas – if you want a girl to go out with you, all you have to do is get on your knees, grovel at her feet, and ask her over and over again to go out with you.  (Bonus points if you can muster up some tears – that’s what I call the “advanced” stages of begging!)

You may think doing this will make you appear desperate, aloof, and unsuave – and it does – but most importantly: IT WILL GET YOU A DATE.

Why?

Most girls hate going out with guys they don’t have a thing for, but they hate the idea of hurting someone’s feelings even MORE.  When she sees how willing you are to take her out for a free meal and/or movie (or both), she’ll eventually shrug her shoulders, look at you with those sexy eyes of hers, and say:

“Eh, why not? If he’s paying, I guess I can suffer through spending a few hours with him.”

Sure, she won’t really be going out with you because she likes you.  Sure, she’ll probably still be repulsed by the fact that she has to spend time with you for x-amount of time.  And sure, the fact that you begged and came across as desperate and needy may cause her to want to stay away from you after you take her out.

But at least you got to take her out!

That’s all for today, Non Juan fans! Remember: if you’ve got a dating/relationship question, email me at ASK@NonJuan.com or call 877-NON-JUAN (666-5826) today!

-Non Juan

If you want to know the best way NOT to write a Love e-mail to a lady, be sure to watch what Non Juan does…

Laugh, Share with YOUR FRIENDS, and Watch Again…

Follow Non Juan’s Adventures in Dating EVERYDAY at http://www.twitter.com/nonjuan (@nonjuan)

~ From your “Friends” @ http://NonJuan.com

HAAAACK! COUGH!  SNEEZE!!

I don’t feel so well, guys… I think I may have the swine flu!

I went out to breakfast yesterday, and while I was waiting for my meal, I spotted this cute-looking girl named Becky sitting at a table by herself.  Thinking I had a chance at actually getting her interested in me since she was alone (the less competition, the better), I walked over to her table and said:

“Hey there, uh… your freckles look like a game of connect-the-dots.  It’s so cute!”

She didn’t take too kind to my compliment, and told me to scram.  I was about to leave, but I just HAD to try and get her interested at least one more time.

I said. “What would it take for you to go out on a date with me??”

After thinking about it for a second, she turned to me and said:

“Date YOU?!? HA! Yeah, I’ll go out with you… when pigs fly, OR when you can eat a whole pound of bacon without throwing up!”

Ah ha, I KNEW it! I KNEW she wanted to date me – otherwise she wouldn’t have given me not one, but TWO ways to fall into her graces!

I ran back to my table and told my waitress to bring me a whole pound of bacon.  A few minutes later, I had a HUGE plate of sizzling hot pork strips in front of me.  I called over to Becky – “Hey! Look over here!” – and as soon as she was looking in my direction, I started gobbling up bacon as fast as I could!

About half-way through, Becky yelled: “Hey, Non Juan, I was only kidding – I’m still not going out with you, even if you DO finish the bacon.”

I wish she had said something sooner – by the time she said it, I could feel a grease pit forming in my stomach, and all I could taste on my breath was bacon.

And I don’t think the restaurant cooked it all the way.  When I got home, I was in the bathroom for 6 hours straight, switching between sitting down on the toilet and having my face dunked into a trash can.  Even now, I have a headache and feel like my head is doing a tail spin.  Talk about a lousy swine flu reaction!

On the plus side, Becky DID feel sorry enough for me to pay for my meal.  So in a way, it was almost like we had a breakfast date – hooray!

OMG… I… I need to throw up again… Excuse me…

-Non Juan

]]> http://nonjuan.com/266/i-think-i-have-the-swine-flu/feed/ 0 http://nonjuan.com/262/new-non-juan-music-video-tongue-tied/ http://nonjuan.com/262/new-non-juan-music-video-tongue-tied/#comments Tue, 06 Oct 2009 13:33:45 +0000 Non Juan http://nonjuan.com/?p=262

As you all may remember, last week I decided to try and make some money by becoming a rap artist, and debuted my first music video, “I’m a Non Juan!” 

For the video, I used the first part of the footage I filmed when I went to see Don “Magic” Juan about my girl problems. (And no, that doesn’t mean I actually AM a girl, or have any sort of actual “feminine” issues going on.)  After the in-house counseling session, he decided to take me out to the club so I could practice hitting on women with REAL women, as opposed to my usual practice method of trying my lines out on hot-looking mannequins.  BTW: has any one else out there been turned down for a date by a mannequin before? Doesn’t feel very good

Anyway, I decided to use the second half of the footage for my newest video, “Tongue Tied!” Why did I give the song that title? Um… well… you’ll just have to watch the video to find out…

Oh yeah – this song, along with “I’m a Non Juan,” is part of my first-ever album, “909s and Heart Flatlines!”  I recorded it this past week whenever I had some free time… which I usually tend to have because… ah well, you know…

The album is available on iTunes, Amazon.com, Rhapsody.com, Napster.com, and just about any other place you can find music online! 

Enjoy the video, and I’ll see you all later!

-Non Juan

Hey everybody!  Non Juan here – hope you all had a GREAT day today!

I realized something today: women really, REALLY enjoy playing “hard to get.”  It seems like every girl I try asking out ends up taking a long, looooooong time to finally accept one of my date offers.

For example: last night I sent off 12 “I love you” messages to various girls.  One of them responded, and told me not to write her anymore.  At first, I thought she didn’t want to hear from me…

…but then I realized that what she probably MEANT was: “Don’t write me – visit me in person!”

So, I went over to her house on my moped in hopes of surprising her with a bouquet of flowers (that I got from the graveyard next to her house) and my gorgeous face (getting slapped by all those girls keeps my face massaged and fresh!).  Sure enough, she was surprised, and I thought she’d invite me in for a glass of tea and a discussion about Dungeons and Dragons…

…but instead, she ended up slamming the door in my face!

Now, any other guy may have thought she was rejecting him… but I KNEW better.  I knew she was just playing the “hard to get” game even harder.  Her slamming the door in my face was her way of saying: “Now that you’ve visited me, I want you to call me!”

So, I pulled out my phone from my bookbag (I have one of those big, early 1990s cell phones, so I have to carry it around on my back at all times) and dialed up her number.  She must have a crappy phone, ’cause she didn’t pick it up when it rang.

312 dial ups later, I saw the cops arrive at her house and tell me that she wanted me to leave.  At that point, I could only think one thing…

“YESSSSS! I’m IN! I’m IN!”  Just the fact that she called the cops on me means that she’s REALLY playing hard to get… which means that she likes me! (And the restraining order I found from her when I got home only re-confirms it – woo-hoo!)

Now that I think about it, I have a LOT of restraining orders from other girls I’ve hit on in the past.  All this time I thought they didn’t want to have anything to do with me; now I’m thinking it might just be their subtle way of letting me know they’re playing hard to get and want me to try HARDER. 

Looks like I’ve got some more girls to write to tonight! I can’t wait!

-Non Juan