It’s “The Non Juan’s Guide to Dating!” Dating Tip #1: It’s okay to give a girl a compliment… BUT…

Umm… Errr.. If this is the story of a “Perfect Gentleman” – well… You tell us what you think?????

Greetings, Non Juan fans!

As you all know, I’ve been on the hunt for a girlfriend for a while now – and by “a while”,  I mean “ever since I slid out the womb.”  It was the last time I was anywhere NEAR a woman’s… well, ya know – and I’ve been trying to get back ever since.

Why the seemingly desperate chase for my one-true love?  Girls bring so much to a guy’s life, and when I see other guys with girlfriends, I feel like I’m missing out on something.

In an attempt to explain myself, I will, from time to time, share with you my reasons as to why I want a girl in my life – and not just because they’ll pay for my meals and drive me places (though it would be nice to get taken some place from time to time…)

REASON WHY GIRLS ARE AWESOME #1: THEY TAKE CARE OF YOU WHEN YOU’RE SICK

Recently, my friend Harry dared me to jump into a pool of water.  This wouldn’t normally be such a bad idea, if it weren’t for the fact that (a) it’s wintertime, (b) it was raining outside, and (c) I’m allergic to certain types of chlorine.

However, I didn’t want to look like a punk in front of my friend, so I dived in.  Next thing I know, I’m breaking out in hives and sweating in 45 degree weather.

Needless to say, I was sick.

During my week-long sickness, I had no one to take care of me – not even my parents (despite the fact that my apartment is located in their backyard.  They even had me quaranteened!)  While making frequent trips back and forth to throw up in my toilet, I kept thinking to myself: “Man, I wish I had a girlfriend here to take care of me…”

Girls are such nurturing people.  No matter how sick you get, they will usually be there whenever you need to be taken care of.  I could have been blowing snot out of every orafice of my body, with burning red eyes and dried-up drool on my face, and – assuming the girl i was dating cared about me – she would’ve been there to wipe me up, get me some eye drops, and put a cup under my mouth to collect my spit.

But did I get any of that help?? NOOOO.  Instead, I was forced to drag myself out of bed, attempt to cook my own meals (which was made even worse since I can’t cook - i burned 3 bowls of soup!), take my own pills (which were mixed up in the scissors drawer – I ended up cutting myself), and draw my own baths (I fell asleep during one of my bathing sessions, and ended up looking like a shrunk raisin.

Having to do all that definitely made me appreciate the nurturing aspect a woman brings to a relationship.  If only I could find one who would do all that stuff for me without being completely grossed out (at my sickness AND at the sight of me), I’d be SO happy.  Luckily I eventually got better – I was THIS CLOSE to calling Dr. Murray to fix me up.  I think he’s on trial for something now, though…

-Non Juan

From http://www.NonJuan.com – Could dating a drunk Mariah (and drunk girls in general) be a solution to Non Juan’s dating problems?? Watch the video to find out!

Hey! Can’t control your woman? Do like Non Juan – go to the Charlie Sheen school of dating!

Well, Snoop Dogg may be a huge hip hop star with plenty of women, money, cars, houses, jewelry, friends,uh… you get it. But, I bet I can count up the change in your pocket faster than he can! Ok, so I guess he has EVERYTHING that I don’t including a hit song last year called “Sensual Seduction.”

Since I don’t really know anything about that subject, I decided to do a song about a subject that I actually DO KNOW lots about. It kinda deals with that special part of the male anatomy and something tells me that I should not be sharing this with all the ladies, but ~ what the heck – Here is my new music video for Erectile Dysfunction from my 909s and Heart Flatlines CD (available on iTunes). BTW I am offering it as a ringtone for **FREE** on my homepage http://NonJuan.com for a limited time! YEAH!!!

Also available on my album (get it on iTunes TODAY!), “909s and Heart Flatlines”

Non Juan's "Erectile Dysfunction" Video

Well, Snoop Dogg may be a huge hip hop star with plenty of women, money, cars, houses, jewelry, friends,…uh you get it. But, I…uh…well…errr….hmmm… I guess he has EVERYTHING that I don’t – including a hit song, “Sensual Seduction.”

Since I don’t really know anything about that subject, I decided to do a song about a subject that I actually DO KNOW lots about. It kinda deals with “that special part of the male anatomy” and something tells me that I should not be sharing this with all the ladies, but ~ what the heck – - Here is my new music video for “Erectile Dysfunction” from my 909s and Heart Flatlines CD (available on iTunes). BTW – I am offering it as a ringtone for FREE on my homepage for a limited time! YEAH!!!

Well, well, well, it looks like my lessons with Don “Magic” Juan are starting to pay off!

Believe it or not, I was actually able to muster up enough courage to ask a girl on a date last night!  There’s this girl named Tina that lives down the street from me, and I’ve been DYING to ask her out but was too scared to do so.

I paced around for almost two hours before I finally decided to call her.  And by “call,” I mean I saw her coming out of her front door and yelled out:

“HEY TINA!!!  IF YOU’RE NOT DOING ANYTHING TONIGHT WE SHOULD GO OUT ON A DATE!!”

What? How else was I supposed to “call” her – I didn’t have her phone number!

She gave me strange look, then said the words I thought I’d never here a woman say to me before:

“Eh, sure.  I’ve got nothing better to do, and could use a free meal.”  Woo-hoo!

We set the date for 7 PM.  I spent the rest of the day grooming myself to look my best.  I shampooed my hair; used tweezers to pull out any unsightly nose hairs; spayed some banaca into my mouth (though I accidentally missed and ended up spraying my eyes instead – I nearly went blind!); and took my hamster for a walk.  Okay, that last part had nothing to do with preparing for the date – I just knew he needed to be walked before I left my house!

Finally, it was time to pick Tina up for our date.  I walked over to the house, knocked on the door…

…and another girl answered the door.

“Hi,” she said, “I’m Amber.  Tina is still getting ready – come on in!”

Whew! I was just happy I had the right house.  At first I thought Amber was Tina’s sister.  If she was, I thought it was kind of weird that Tina, being Black, would have an Asian sibling that looked nothing like her.  Unless, of course, her Dad was Asian AND Black, and was somehow able to have multi-racial babies, which would be AWESOME!

But no – Amber told me that Tina had told her about my date invitation, and was “so excited” that she wanted to bring someone else along to share in the good time!

And boy, did we have a good time!  Tina drove us out to dinner, and I got to sit in the back while enjoying Tina and Amber’s conversation to each other in the front of the car!  Then, at dinner, I got to sit on one side of the table by myself while Tina and Amber told secrets to each other back and forth!  (They must have really liked the way I looked in my skinny jeans and baggy brown shirt – they kept whispering to each other and pointing at me the whole night!)

And then, when it was time for us to go to the movies, they let ME walk ahead of them (like I was the leader of the group, oh yeah) so I could lead them to the ticket counter and buy us all tickets!

The best part: while in the movies, I got sit between both of them!  And by “sit between,” I mean they sat next to each other while I sat in the seat directly behind them, which just so happened to line up behind both of their seats.  It was so awesome!

At the end of the date, Tina drove me back to my apartment.  The last thing she said to me was something about Amber and her going to have some “freaky” girl time together, and that I might get hurt were I to come along.  I don’t know what’s so “freaky” about girls spending time together, but oh well.  I was just happy that I was able to go out with TWO women at the same time!

Heh heh heh, looks like I’m finally starting to get this whole dating thing.  Maybe next time I go on a date, I might actually get the girl to talk to me AND her friend the whole night!

-Non Juan

Tales from the Non Juan Side: “Pimps…and…Rockers?” Just like a Non Juan to NOT know whether he is a pimp or a punk rocker… Really, Come on now….

~ From your “Friends” @ http://NonJuan.com

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Non Juan… being a “Non Juan” – - what else would you expect?

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~ From your “Friends” @ http://NonJuan.com