It’s time for another episode of “Tales From the Non Juan Side,” where we have girls tells stories illustrating what NOT to do to attract them!

This week’s story comes from a girl who got hit on by a man from Africa while hanging out at the club.  He thought he had the slickest of lines… but then he had to mention something about her hips.  Ugh…

Well, another Valentine’s Day is here and still no date (not even close). So, I went to this site - LastChanceDate.com to try my luck for a final attempt at a date (or at least someone to say, “Hi” to me). The site says that “it’s 100% Free – Find someone as ugly – - I mean “facially challenged” as you… Answer a few questions and you could be another moderately satisfied customer like our featured couple – Biscuits and Gravy” – so, I should have a shot… right?

Greetings, Non Juan fans!

As you all know, I’ve been on the hunt for a girlfriend for a while now – and by “a while”,  I mean “ever since I slid out the womb.”  It was the last time I was anywhere NEAR a woman’s… well, ya know – and I’ve been trying to get back ever since.

Why the seemingly desperate chase for my one-true love?  Girls bring so much to a guy’s life, and when I see other guys with girlfriends, I feel like I’m missing out on something.

In an attempt to explain myself, I will, from time to time, share with you my reasons as to why I want a girl in my life – and not just because they’ll pay for my meals and drive me places (though it would be nice to get taken some place from time to time…)

REASON WHY GIRLS ARE AWESOME #1: THEY TAKE CARE OF YOU WHEN YOU’RE SICK

Recently, my friend Harry dared me to jump into a pool of water.  This wouldn’t normally be such a bad idea, if it weren’t for the fact that (a) it’s wintertime, (b) it was raining outside, and (c) I’m allergic to certain types of chlorine.

However, I didn’t want to look like a punk in front of my friend, so I dived in.  Next thing I know, I’m breaking out in hives and sweating in 45 degree weather.

Needless to say, I was sick.

During my week-long sickness, I had no one to take care of me – not even my parents (despite the fact that my apartment is located in their backyard.  They even had me quaranteened!)  While making frequent trips back and forth to throw up in my toilet, I kept thinking to myself: “Man, I wish I had a girlfriend here to take care of me…”

Girls are such nurturing people.  No matter how sick you get, they will usually be there whenever you need to be taken care of.  I could have been blowing snot out of every orafice of my body, with burning red eyes and dried-up drool on my face, and – assuming the girl i was dating cared about me – she would’ve been there to wipe me up, get me some eye drops, and put a cup under my mouth to collect my spit.

But did I get any of that help?? NOOOO.  Instead, I was forced to drag myself out of bed, attempt to cook my own meals (which was made even worse since I can’t cook - i burned 3 bowls of soup!), take my own pills (which were mixed up in the scissors drawer – I ended up cutting myself), and draw my own baths (I fell asleep during one of my bathing sessions, and ended up looking like a shrunk raisin.

Having to do all that definitely made me appreciate the nurturing aspect a woman brings to a relationship.  If only I could find one who would do all that stuff for me without being completely grossed out (at my sickness AND at the sight of me), I’d be SO happy.  Luckily I eventually got better – I was THIS CLOSE to calling Dr. Murray to fix me up.  I think he’s on trial for something now, though…

-Non Juan

From http://www.NonJuan.com – Could dating a drunk Mariah (and drunk girls in general) be a solution to Non Juan’s dating problems?? Watch the video to find out!

Hey! Can’t control your woman? Do like Non Juan – go to the Charlie Sheen school of dating!

So, my review for Lil Wayne’s “Regurgitation” – OOPS – I mean “Rebirth” leaked album keeps picking up steam, as it has been picked up by multiple sources now (AllHipHop.com, Digg, Delicious, Twitter) and most recently ThatsHipHop.com.

In their article about me, they are actually influenced by my review to NOT buy this horrible cd when it officially drops.

Well, I wish I could say the same about women. No matter how hard I try to “influence” them to go out with me, I still get the same excuses:

1. “I never date guys named…What is your name again?”
2. “…save me a step and just put your phone number in the trash can”
3. “Let’s be ‘friends with benefits.’ You get friendship & I get the benefit of not dating you”
4. “I may be a blind, pigeon-faced midget – BUT, that doesn’t mean I’m dating you !”

And the list goes, on and on and on and on……

Anyway – Here is what ThatsHipHop.com had to say about my review:

Non Juan is our new favorite music critic – seriously, we highly suggest you subcribe to his YouTube account. With the accidental shipping of Lil’ Wayne’s Rebirth album, Juan got a hold of it and did an early review. And let’s just say the album’s not high on his list of recommendations. As Non Juan says, “If you want insight into how Wayne sounds on the album, picture the Tasmanian devil stuffing an autotune box down his throat.” Oh, and here’s another: “Trust me, hearing some of the songs on this album are gonna make you wish rock music had never been invented in the first place!” And then he throws up. Needless to say, we’re not rushing out to buy this when it officially drops.

If you haven’t seen the video review yet (boy are YOU behind) – it is available here:

Lil Wayne Rebirth Blows Chunks but Non Juan Review Rocks!

- Enjoy and have a great Non Juan Day!

Non Juan's "Erectile Dysfunction" Video

Well, Snoop Dogg may be a huge hip hop star with plenty of women, money, cars, houses, jewelry, friends,…uh you get it. But, I…uh…well…errr….hmmm… I guess he has EVERYTHING that I don’t – including a hit song, “Sensual Seduction.”

Since I don’t really know anything about that subject, I decided to do a song about a subject that I actually DO KNOW lots about. It kinda deals with “that special part of the male anatomy” and something tells me that I should not be sharing this with all the ladies, but ~ what the heck – - Here is my new music video for “Erectile Dysfunction” from my 909s and Heart Flatlines CD (available on iTunes). BTW – I am offering it as a ringtone for FREE on my homepage for a limited time! YEAH!!!

For those of you who may not know, each Monday is “Non Juan Video Monday!”

I put up a new video each week to give you insights into my life, as well as music videos, dating advice (I’m mean, sure, I don’t get THAT many dates… perhaps people should do the opposite of what I do?), and so much more!

This week’s video: So, I was walking to the store to buy myself… something (you’ll have to watch the video to see what it was), when I ran into Danielle, a.k.a. “Deena.”  She invited me to get some ice cream with her.  Next thing I know… um… well… check it out for yourself:

When I told my friend Harry what happened, he said I spent too much time over-analyzing the situation.  What do YOU think?  Let me know your thoughts by leaving a comment below, or by writing me at ASK@NonJuan.com!

-Non Juan