Currently Browsing: Scribble

Non Juan here, with yet another round of fanstically delicious dating advice!

Remember, people: if you’ve got a dating question you’d like to have me answer (either here in a scribble or in one of my weekly videos), you can write me at ASK@NONJUAN.COM or call me at 877-NON-JUAN!

And now, onto today’s dating advice…

LET HER KNOW ALL ABOUT YOUR NEGATIVES!

When trying to get a girl to like you, what types of things should you talk about?  Should you:

(a) Talk about things that make her laugh and smile;
(b) Tell her things about yourself that are positive in nature;
(c) Tell her things about yourself that she may find to be annoying later so that she knows what to expect from you; or
(d) Ask her about her dead relatives

This should be an EASY one – the answer is SO obvious to even someone like me!

You should do (c) tell her things about yourself that she may find to be annoying later so that she knows what to expect from you! (A close second was answer (d). Nothing makes a girl feel better than letting her guard down and crying about her dead uncle!)

Some people might think it’s better to try and build up her attraction level, and then let her discover her dislikes about you on her own once she’s emotionally invested in you.  But to them, I say “HA!”

I think it’s a MUCH better idea to let a girl know about all your flaws so she can decide if she can deal with them or not.

Granted, you may not know exactly (more…)

Normally I try to post up my Non Juan scribbles early in the day.  However, I’ve been hiding underneath my bed for the last 6 hours trying to get certain images and sounds out of my head.

And what images and sounds were they?  One answer: RIHANNA.

AAAAAA! AAAAAA! AAAAAA! THERE SHE IS AGAIN!! (Okay, Non Juan, calm down, just calm down…)

See, I’m a BIG fan of Rihanna.  I’m pretty much a fan of any girl who can (a) sing with a studio-enhanced voice (robot voices are SO sexy) and (b) find beats that make me wanna do my Non Juan dance in the club.  And she’s had both for many, many years.

She’s also not a bad-looking girl.  From her second album to the last one, “Good Girls Gone Bad,” she’s managed to evolve her style yet still seem wholesome at times.

So, when I heard she had a NEW song coming out today, I was UBER-excited.  I set my alarm clock for 7:30 A.M. and… well, okay, so the song didn’t actually debut until 11:23, (8:23 California time), so I spent an hour yelling out the window at the girl who lives next door to me, begging her to let me take her on a date.  I don’t think she heard me, though I think it may be because she painted her windows black…

Anyway, the time finally came for me to hear the song AND see the promo picture for it.  And this is what I heard:

Rihanna’s New Single, “Russian Roulette”

AAAAAA! AAAAAAA!  MAKE IT GO AWAY!!

The song is just so darn SAD.  And MOODY.  And, uh… well, it scared me so bad, I had to change my underwear at least 3 times (note: I wear 3 pairs of underwear at all times).

And as for the song cover photo… Is it just me, or did Rihanna fall into the Devil’s clothing closet and tell her to pick out a wardrobe?!?

I mean, LOOK at her!  She’s all tied up in barbed wire… she looks almost naked… and she’s wearing an eye patch!  If she were a pirate I’d be drooling right now (I’ve always wanted a sexy pirate lady to make me walk the plank).

However, there’s something about this photo that makes her seem scarier than finding a new freckle on your body and not knowing where it came from!

Oh, Rihanna, Rihanna, Rihanna!  I had such a HUGE crush on you!  You were my second favorite girl I’d hope to be sued by in court one day (number one is still you, Tila Tequila – tell your attorney I can meet on Thursday!).  Now, every time I think about the song or the picture, it’ll be like re-visiting a haunted house all over again!

That’s all for now, everybod… AAAAA! WHAT THE HECK IS THAT?!?!?

Oh wait – it’s just a freckle.  Whew, that was close.  I wonder where it came from…

-Non Juan

Got a relationship question?  Write Non Juan at ASK@NonJuan.com, or call 877-Non-Juan!

Oh boy, what a day I just had!

My friend Harry told me about this convention happening in town called the Film, Stage & Showbiz Expo.  It’s where people who are trying to be film, theater or music stars could go to network, listen to seminars about “the industry,” and add to their business card and brochure collection.  What, am I the ONLY one who has one?!?

I couldn’t decide if I wanted to go (I had other things I had already planned on doing, like giving my pet hamster Larry a bubble bath and calling back all the girls who forgot to call me back earlier in the week)…

…but then I realized: with all those actresses going to the convention, there was bound to be at least ONE girl there desperate enough to date me!

And so, it was off to the convention!  I had a man in a green screen suit follow me around and take pictures. (Um… yeah… in case you’re curious, I don’t know why he agreed to it.  Or why he was wearing a green screen suit.  All that mattered was he said he’d take the pictures for free, which was right in my budget!)  Check them out!

_ _ _ _ _

The opening gate to the expo.  I had to register so they wouldn’t kick me out!

An over-the-shoulder view of the registration computer area.

One of the industry panels of the day.  I was trying to concentrate on what the woman was saying, but I was too busy thinking about how I’d ask her out on a date.  Once it was over, I walked up to her and said: “I like your wig – it looks really good on you.”  It wasn’t a wig.  And she wasn’t too happy with me

Me, in the bathroom, hiding out from the “wig” lady.  Boy, was she upset!

The whole side wall of this one room had a bunch of boxes with people’s head shots on top of them.  Hey, how come I don’t have a head shot?? Maybe that’s what I need to make it BIG in this town…  well, that, OR connections to Will Smith.  Give me a call, Will!

Me listening to someone’s music CD.  People could display their music at one of the tables.  Again – how come I didn’t have a music table??  I coulda made a fortune!  (Non Juan CD, “909s and Heart Flatlines” now available at iTunes, Amazon, Rhapsody, LaLa, Napster… oops, didn’t mean to plug just then!)

Woo-hoo! I got kissed by a girl!! Well, okay, ALMOST got kissed… I came from behind her shoulder and whispered in her ear that I was Tom Cruise.  Then I told her to close her eyes and give me a kiss.  I was thisclose to getting it… but then she sneezed.  Then she opened her eyes and saw me.  Not shown in this pic: the welt I got on my head afterward

A brand new Non Juan fan takes a picture with me!  I was quite the popular guy – everyone wanted to take pictures with me!  (Actually, they just wanted a pic with the faceless green screen costume guy… but at least I got to tag along!)

Aw, doesn’t she look happy to be taking a picture with me?  That’s what happens when you bring green along (and by that, I mean the $100 bill I had to pay so she’d smile long enough to get this picture.  Afterward, I had no money to get home, and had to ask a kid on a bike to let me ride on his handle bars.)

_ _ _

All in all, I had a GREAT time at the expo, and can’t wait to go back in the Spring!  Maybe by then, I’ll be big enough for girls to want to take pics with me, without me having to lie about my identity or pay them.  Here’s hoping!

-Non Juan

Got a relationship question, fan mail or more? Write ASK@NonJuan.com today!

I was doing my daily search of YouTube videos (I like to find videos of hot girls eating mayonnaise and drool) when I came across this clip from an episode of “Divorce Court”:

Above: “Your honor, I can’t be married to him anymore.  He’s just too… NICE.” HUH?!?

In the video clip, a woman is divorcing her husband… for being too NICE! She says he cooked for her, gave her flowers, complimented her all the time with “I Love You’s”… yet, lo and behold: she had to dump him!

I showed the clip to my friend Harry, and, believe it or not, he actually said he completely understood WHY she was dumping him!  As Harry put it:

“Women don’t like men who are are pushovers, weak, or who suck up to them.  By giving in to her every need he showed he was a pushover; by saying “I love you” all the time he actually showed insecurity, i.e. weakness; and by giving her flowers all the time he was sucking up to her harder than a vacuum cleaner!

All the things he thought he should be doing to turn her on actually turned her OFF.  So yeah, I’m not surprised she dumped him.”

I couldn’t believe it – how is it that those things didn’t work?? I mean, I do them all the time and get GREAT results!  For example: last week I told a girl she was so gorgeous, I wanted to have her baby!  She was so impressed with my line that she ended up hitting on ME!

Okay – so it was more like “she ended up slapping me in the face.” That still counts as her hitting on me, right?

Anyway, I just think this woman is crazy.  Ladies, is it REALLY such a BAD thing if a guy is TOO nice? What’s so wrong with wanting to drool all over a girl who’s hot and give in to her every wish and desire?? I don’t get what the problem is!!

And fellas: have YOU ever been dumped by a woman for being too nice?? Does it REALLY make a guy come across as needy or weak if he’s always at her beck and call??  Let me know!

-Non Juan

Ladies and gentlemen (and especially ladies), I present to you…

The first ever music album by Non Juan!

Thaaaaaat’s right, people – I made an album!

As you all know, I’ve been trying to figure out various ways to make some extra money so I can take girls out on dates.  Not that I’d be paying for THEM, but rather for myself – those $1 value meals don’t come cheap, ya know!

Since I have a lot of free time on my weekends (what with the staying home and bawling my eyes out while all the girls I have crushes on date other people), I decided to use some of that time to practice my rapping skills.  Next thing I know, I had over 100 songs recorded!

Okay, to be fair, most of the “recordings” weren’t songs.  About 90 of the tracks I recorded was audio of me begging Tila Tequila to date me.  I sent all the tracks to her to listen to before I put them out for the public to hear… and I got a letter from her lawyers saying they’d take “drastic action” against me that would result in me feeling “pain, suffering and malnourishment” were they to be released.

In the midst of those tracks, though, I recorded 10 songs that were NOT about Ms. Tequila.  Since most of these songs are about me not getting girls, I wanted to name it “808s and Heartbreak.”  Then I found out Kanye West had retroactively stolen my album title!

So instead, I changed the name to “909s and Heart Flatlines!”  Here are the songs on the album (available on iTunes, Amazon, Napster, Rhapsody, Limewire and more!):

1. I’m a Non Juan
2. Tongue Tied
3. Erectile Dysfunction
4. 100 Girl Friends
5. A Wonderful Non Juan Day
6. Do The Non Juan
7. Outta Luck
8. Wack-I-Tis
9. Hooptie
10. I’m All Alone (feat. Don “Magic” Juan and Hajanique)

Check out the first 2 music videos I made for the album: “I’m a Non Juan” and “Tongue Tied!”

“I’m a Non Juan” Music Video

“Tongue Tied” Music Video

Those videos were awesome!  Don’t forget to share them with your friends!  More importantly, GET THE ALBUM SO I CAN AFFORD TO GO ON DATES!!

-Non Juan