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I went out jogging this morning, and ran into one of the most beautifullest (is that a word?) girls I’ve seen since… well, yesterday!  I found her to be so stunningly beautiful, I had to get home and write a poem about her right away!

I call this poem, “An Ode to a Beautiful Jogger:”

“Oh, beautiful, beautiful jogger, whose hair flows in the wind
To see the hairs on your legs stand up, surely gives me a grin
The way your arm fat jiggles, it just delights me so
I can’t help but imagine being a corn upon your toes

Oh, beautiful, beautiful jogger, your neck is (more…)

Well, I’ve certainly had a productive day today!

In case you’re curious, I spent my day job hunting!  I know some of you were wondering what it is I actually DO outside of trying to get girls to like me all day (which is, admittedly, a full-time job in and of itself).

Up to this point, I wasn’t actually DOING anything in terms of a “job” because my parents have been allowing me to live rent-free in the mini-apartment they had built in the back of their house.  (Our agreement: they’d pay all my bills for me to stay there, as long as I (more…)

Hey everybody!  Non Juan here – hope you all had a GREAT day today!

I realized something today: women really, REALLY enjoy playing “hard to get.”  It seems like every girl I try asking out ends up taking a long, looooooong time to finally accept one of my date offers.

For example: last night I sent off 12 “I love you” messages to various girls.  One of them responded, and told me not to write her anymore.  At first, I thought she didn’t want to hear from me…

…but then I realized that what she probably MEANT was: “Don’t write me – visit me in person!”

So, I went over to her house on my moped in hopes of surprising her with a bouquet of flowers (that I got from the graveyard next to her house) and my gorgeous face (getting slapped by all those girls keeps my face massaged and fresh!).  Sure enough, she was surprised, and I thought she’d invite me in for a glass of tea and a discussion about Dungeons and Dragons…

…but instead, she ended up slamming the door in my face!

Now, any other guy may have thought she was rejecting him… but I KNEW better.  I knew she was just playing the “hard to get” game even harder.  Her slamming the door in my face was her way of saying: “Now that you’ve visited me, I want you to call me!”

So, I pulled out my phone from my bookbag (I have one of those big, early 1990s cell phones, so I have to carry it around on my back at all times) and dialed up her number.  She must have a crappy phone, ’cause she didn’t pick it up when it rang.

312 dial ups later, I saw the cops arrive at her house and tell me that she wanted me to leave.  At that point, I could only think one thing…

“YESSSSS! I’m IN! I’m IN!”  Just the fact that she called the cops on me means that she’s REALLY playing hard to get… which means that she likes me! (And the restraining order I found from her when I got home only re-confirms it – woo-hoo!)

Now that I think about it, I have a LOT of restraining orders from other girls I’ve hit on in the past.  All this time I thought they didn’t want to have anything to do with me; now I’m thinking it might just be their subtle way of letting me know they’re playing hard to get and want me to try HARDER. 

Looks like I’ve got some more girls to write to tonight! I can’t wait!

-Non Juan

It’s 4:56 A.M. as I’m typing this, and boy, oh boy, does my head hurt…

I went out to get a sub sandwich yesterday afternoon for lunch.  I didn’t have much money to actually pay for a sub since (a) my wallet was stolen earlier in the week, and (b) the allowance I got from my mom has to be rationed out… but I figured someone would take pity on me, see how hungry I was, and possibly buy me the tuna and applesauce sub I so desperately wanted.

And it didn’t happen.

Luckily, there was a person who (more…)

Oh boy, did I wake up late today!

I usually get up around 8:30 in the morning (just in time to catch a re-run of “Gilligan’s Island” and “Hannah Montana”); however, I didn’t end up going to bed until about 5 A.M. this morning.

Why? Because my pet hamster had a date last night, and I had to make sure no one broke into his cage!

I’ve mentioned my hamster a few times now, but I figured I should probably give him a little bit of the spotlight. Of course, I don’t want to speak – er, type – for him, so I’ll allow him to do it. I’ll just place him on the keyboard here and (more…)