My Night Out With Don "Magic" Juan
Well, guys, I think I may finally be getting a good idea on how to interact with women, thanks to none other than the number one ladies man in the world, Don “Magic” Juan!
It all started Thursday, when I got an invite in the mail from a girl named “Courtney Appeals” (or “Court” for short) to go on a date. Um… okay, so it turned out her name wasn’t actually “Courtney…” and it was actually a court date I got as a result of yet ANOTHER girl getting a restraining order against me! I wasn’t even NEAR this girl when I got it – all I did was leave her 312 phone messages telling her how pretty her ear hair was!
Anyway, the judge (whom I had unknowingly tried to hit on before going into the courthouse) said I’d either have to pay a hefty find, or get “counseling” for my issues with women. Hey, I don’t have any issues with women – they all have issues with me! Oh well… I didn’t have enough money to pay the fine, so I decided to look in the phone book and see if there was anyone out there who might know a lil bit more about women than me.
Lo and behold: I found an ad in the book for Don “Magic” Juan’s counseling service. According to the ad, he could take any guy - even the most pathetic, downright awful guy whose bad with women – and turn them into a certified MACK. Plus, he’s worked with Snoop Dogg, P.Diddy, Ludacris, etc., and all of them have DOZENS of women hanging around them.
I called him up and schedued an appointment for Friday. The next day, I went to his offices and told him all about my various girl troubles, including:
- Not being able to get them to call me back
- My online girlfriend not wanting to see me… despite the fact that she lives next door!
- How I keep getting the “let’s just be friends” speech from all the girls I try to date
- My poetic words not turning them on (Sample poem line: “Your nose hair is sexy and so are your foot corns!”)
After assessing my situation, the Archbishop came to one conclusion:
“You know as much about women as a skunk does about taking a bath.”
I didn’t know what his assessment meant (I’ve never smelt a skunk, so I don’t know how clean they actually get), but he said I was so pathetic that he’d be willing to take me under his wing and show me how to get the ladies!
So, how did it go? Well, I don’t want to give all of it away since I actually got it on video (thanks to my trusty ol’ pocket HD film camera – I got it when a girl was throwing stuff at me as I tried walking up to her doorway); however, Don spent a great amount of time drawing me diagrams, feeding me parables about dating, and teaching me mind techniques to use so I wouldn’t get so tongue tied when talking to the opposite sex.
I think it went pretty well for the most part… I don’t remember too much of what happened after “Magic” Juan took me to the club with him and gave me a sip of his “Holy Water” (note: it’s not water, and it’s definitely NOT holy) but I DID get it on tape. The last thing I remember was going up to some girl and trying to “spit some game” at her (is that what it’s called? I think that’s what Don taught me…) I ended up waking up this afternoon in a trash can out near the back of the club.
As for Don “Magic” Juan, he wasn’t anywhere in sight when I woke up. However, I did find a note in my pocket from him that said:
“You are a TERRIBLE disappointment. After all that good game I gave you, I couldn’t stay here and watch you ruin my good name that I’ve spent 30-plus years building up. Call me when you’re ready to take these lessons SERIOUSLY, and I might – MIGHT – decide to try helping you again. P.S. I took home all three of the girls you tried talking to last night – PREACH! CHURCH! TABERNACLE!”
So, there ya go! I’ll be sure to post up some of the video from last night’s events sometime in the near future. As for right now… I have another date to go on with Angela! (She’s the girl I scribbled about a few days ago). Now that I’ve gotten a few lessons from Don “Magic” Juan, I should do alright tonight… hopefully, anyway…
-Non Juan
