HAAAACK! COUGH!  SNEEZE!!

I don’t feel so well, guys… I think I may have the swine flu!

I went out to breakfast yesterday, and while I was waiting for my meal, I spotted this cute-looking girl named Becky sitting at a table by herself.  Thinking I had a chance at actually getting her interested in me since she was alone (the less competition, the better), I walked over to her table and said:

“Hey there, uh… your freckles look like a game of connect-the-dots.  It’s so cute!”

She didn’t take too kind to my compliment, and told me to scram.  I was about to leave, but I just HAD to try and get her interested at least one more time.

I said. “What would it take for you to go out on a date with me??”

After thinking about it for a second, she turned to me and said:

“Date YOU?!? HA! Yeah, I’ll go out with you… when pigs fly, OR when you can eat a whole pound of bacon without throwing up!”

Ah ha, I KNEW it! I KNEW she wanted to date me – otherwise she wouldn’t have given me not one, but TWO ways to fall into her graces!

I ran back to my table and told my waitress to bring me a whole pound of bacon.  A few minutes later, I had a HUGE plate of sizzling hot pork strips in front of me.  I called over to Becky – “Hey! Look over here!” – and as soon as she was looking in my direction, I started gobbling up bacon as fast as I could!

About half-way through, Becky yelled: “Hey, Non Juan, I was only kidding – I’m still not going out with you, even if you DO finish the bacon.”

I wish she had said something sooner – by the time she said it, I could feel a grease pit forming in my stomach, and all I could taste on my breath was bacon.

And I don’t think the restaurant cooked it all the way.  When I got home, I was in the bathroom for 6 hours straight, switching between sitting down on the toilet and having my face dunked into a trash can.  Even now, I have a headache and feel like my head is doing a tail spin.  Talk about a lousy swine flu reaction!

On the plus side, Becky DID feel sorry enough for me to pay for my meal.  So in a way, it was almost like we had a breakfast date – hooray!

OMG… I… I need to throw up again… Excuse me…

-Non Juan

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