Well, I’ve certainly had a productive day today!

In case you’re curious, I spent my day job hunting!  I know some of you were wondering what it is I actually DO outside of trying to get girls to like me all day (which is, admittedly, a full-time job in and of itself).

Up to this point, I wasn’t actually DOING anything in terms of a “job” because my parents have been allowing me to live rent-free in the mini-apartment they had built in the back of their house.  (Our agreement: they’d pay all my bills for me to stay there, as long as I never stepped foot in their house again.  I haven’t seen my old bedroom in 6 years now!)

Still, it stinks not having enough money to spend while going out on dates.  Not that I’d be spending it on the girl of course, but I need to at LEAST be able to pay for my half of the evening without having to beg my Mom for an allowance advance!

So, I jumped on Craig’s List this morning and found a nice sub shop that was hiring.  Mmm, I LOVE sub sandwiches, especially tuna and applesauce… I figured if I worked at one, I could eat all the subs I want AND earn enough money to spend out on dates. Genius!

Once I got to the sub shop, I walked in and asked for an application from the cashier.  Then I sat at the table and began filling it out.

The “filling out of the application” process is the WORST part of the whole thing for me.  I’ve had LOTS of jobs over the years (cashier, dish washer, professional crash test puppet), but I usually end up getting fired within one or two months.  Here’s how it usually happens:

• I get hired
• I do a pretty good job at whatever job it is I’m supposed to do
• One day, a pretty girl will come in and ask me a question about something
• I’ll fall in love with said girl
• I ask the girl out
• She says no
• I ask her again
• She says “No, you’re scaring me”
• I try to give her a hug
• She sprays my eyes with mace
• She tells the manager
• I get fired

Needless to say, I don’t have a whole lot of former bosses willing to give me a recommendation .

This time, however I figured I had the application in the bag! I just mentioned that I worked from home (which is technically true… wait, feeding my pet hamster everyday does count as a job, right?) and wrote down my parents’ number under the part asking for my boss’s contact info (my parents are willing to lie in order for me to get a job – isn’t that nice of them?).

Once I finished filling out the application, I waited for the manager to interview me.  Finally, the manager came over…

…and she was this stunning-looking, beach-blonde babe with manicured fingernails and nose-hairs to DIE for!!

I… I tried to contain myself and not get flustered, but I could already feel myself starting to fall for her sexy walk, her perfectly lotioned knee-caps, and her scent -she smelt like she had just finished making a tuna sub!

She took one look at me and said:

“Hi, nice to meet you.  My name is – “

And before she could finish her sentence, I said to her:

“Oh wow! You look GORGEOUS!  You’re the hottest woman I’ve seen since two days ago at the hamster pet store!  PLEASE go out with me! I’ll do anything to be with you! I’ll raise your kittens; I’ll run myself into a wall… I’ll even drink your BATH WATER!!”

Of course, you know how the rest of the interview went:

• I asked her out
• She said no
• I asked her out again
• She said “No, you’re scaring me”
• I tried to give her a hug
• She hit me over the head with a piece of hardened sub bread (never experienced THAT one before!)
• And, since she was the manager, she kicked me out the store herself and told me never to apply there again

And now, here I am back at home with no job, no girlfriend – and no money.  On the plus side, I DID get to take the piece of sub bread home – hooray!

Oh well – I guess the job hunt will have to continue some other time.  As for right now, I think I’ll go make myself a home made tuna and applesauce sandwich with my free piece of bread!

-Non Juan

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