It’s 4:56 A.M. as I’m typing this, and boy, oh boy, does my head hurt…

I went out to get a sub sandwich yesterday afternoon for lunch.  I didn’t have much money to actually pay for a sub since (a) my wallet was stolen earlier in the week, and (b) the allowance I got from my mom has to be rationed out… but I figured someone would take pity on me, see how hungry I was, and possibly buy me the tuna and applesauce sub I so desperately wanted.

And it didn’t happen.

Luckily, there was a person who threw out a newly made sub simply because it had mayonnaise on it!  It had been re-wrapped in its paper, so I figured it was still good to eat.  All I had to do was take it off the top of the trash, spray it with some disinfectant, and voila! – the sandwich would be ready to eat!

Once I was done with the sandwich, I went out to the parking lot to jump on my moped and head home.  Lo and behold, I saw her: a cute-looking woman with silky black hair, beautiful brown eyes…

…and the sexiest beer gut I’d ever seen in my life!  (A beer gut on a woman is almost as sexy as seeing one with groomed nose hairs – oooooh baby!)

Normally I’d be all nervous trying to talk to such an unattainable woman.  I don’t know if it was the strength I had from having just eaten a sandwich or the fact that she had a ketchup stain on the left side of her shirt, but I had an extra bit of confidence in me that said: “Go on, Non Juan, talk to her.  Show off some of your Non Juan charm!”

I walked up to her, and said, in the nicest way possible:

“Excuse me, miss; I just wanted you to know… that you have the sexiest beer gut I’ve seen on a woman in a long time!”

That’s when she looked at me with her bold, brown eyes, and said those four little words that changed my life:

“I’m pregnant, you idiot.” Ah… spoken with the voice of an angel!

Unfortunately, that’s the last thing I remember before I blacked out.  I didn’t wake up until about an hour ago when the sub shop owner came by to open up the place.  He said something about the lady taking a swing at me, and hitting me so hard that I got knocked into the brick wall of his building.  I guess I looked like I was in too much pain for anyone to risk taking me to the hospital, so they left me there to get some sleep.

So… yeah… Perhaps I should ASK a woman if she’s pregnant next time before assuming she has a beer gut.  Either way, at least I got hit on yesterday!

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go wrap my head in bandages before I head off to bed.  Good night – er, morning – everybody!

-Non Juan

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