(Sigh) Another evening sitting in my room all by myself… I can’t believe no one has called me yet!

Oh, wait – you have no idea what I’m talking about, do you?

Well, I went to a speed dating event last night hoping to land myself a date. I almost didn’t go at first; when my best friend Harry told me about the whole “speed” dating thing, I told him: “Whoa! There is NO way I’m going to be doing drugs while on a date!”

After he explained that “speed” meant “fast,” I decided to give it a shot!

I wanted to be impressive, and wear the absolute best outfit I could – a nice suit jacket with silk pants and a striped tie! Unfortunately, it’s my only suit, and it was still at the dry cleaners due to the “incident” that happened on my LAST date. How was I to know not to aim the ketchup bottle towards my lap while hitting the bottle against the table?!?

(Also: how was I to know that hitting the ketchup bottle against the table would cause the bottle to crack, splatter the ketchup everywhere, and cause glass pieces to fly into my date’s left ear? Now she can’t hear her phone whenever I try to call her… at least I think that’s why she doesn’t answer my calls….)

Instead, I wore a nice shirt with a picture of bottle rings and the words “I Used To Wear A Six-Pack” on it (girls LOVE humor!) and a pair of shorts I bought off some homeless guy for $5. He needed the money; I needed some shorts – talk about a match made in heaven!

When I got to the event, the guys were told to sit on one side of the tables, while the girls sat on the other. When the moderator said “Go,” we had 3 minutes to talk to the girl in front of us before we had to switch to another table.

Seems pretty easy, right? And it was – to everyone but me!

I was doing the best I could to try and tell all these women about myself, but nothing came out right at all. I kept fumbling words, calling them by the wrong name (even if they had a name tag on)… at one point, a woman started telling me her name, and my knees were shaking so hard that I accidentally knocked over the candle between us and set the table on fire!

The moderator had to come by with a fire extinguisher to put the fire out. Once the flames died down, I tried telling the woman my name… but it’s kind of hard to do that when she’s yelling and screaming about half of her hair being burnt to ashes

Anyway, once our time was up, they had the guys choose which girls we liked best; then, we’d place our names and numbers on a piece of paper with their names on it, and, if they liked us, they would call us later!

I made sure to place my name – NON JUAN – and my number – 877-NON-JUAN – on ALL of the girls’ pieces of paper. Hey, gotta play the odds, right?

I was sure at least ONE of them would try to call me. Heck, the one-eyed midget who looked like a pigeon HAS to be desperate for ANYBODY to date her! But so far, no calls. And so, here I sit….

Sigh…

But hey – if you’re a girl and you happen to be reading this, why not call me right now?? My number is 877-NON JUAN. (In case you’re curious: my number is TOLL-FREE – I figured if a girl didn’t have to pay to talk to me, she’d be more apt to call.) If you’re into things like Hamster conventions, video games, and porcupine pie, we should definitely chat sometime!

-Non Juan

P.S. Once again, that’s 877-NON-JUAN. I read somewhere that a person has to see something at least 3 times before it becomes memorable. Hey, maybe that means I should say MY number a whole bunch of times! Okay, here goes: 877-NON-JUAN. 877-NON-JUAN. 877-NON-JUAN. 877-NON-JUAN. 877-NON-JUAN. 877-NON-JUAN. 877-NON-JUAN. 877-NON-JUAN. 877-NON-JUAN. 877-NON-JUAN. 877-NON-JUAN. 877-NON-JUAN. 877-NON-JUAN. 877-NON-JUAN. 877-NON-JUAN. 877-NON-JUAN. 877-NON-JUAN. 877-NON-JUAN. 877-NON-JUAN. 877-NON-JUAN. 877-NON-JUAN. 877-NON-JUAN. 877-NON-JUAN. 877-NON-JUAN. 877-NON-JUAN. 877-NON-JUAN. 877-NON-JUAN. 877-NON-JUAN. 877-NON-JUAN. 877-NON-JUAN. 877-NON-JUAN. 877-NON-JUAN. 877-NON-JUAN. 877-NON-JUAN. 877-NON-JUAN. 877-NON-JUAN. 877-NON-JUAN. 877-NON-JUAN. 877-NON-JUAN. 877-NON-JUAN. 877-NON-JUAN. 877-NON-JUAN. 877-NON-JUAN. 877-NON-JUAN. 877-NON-JUAN. 877-NON-JUAN. 877-NON-JUAN. 877-NON-JUAN. 877-NON-JUAN. 877-NON-JUAN. 877-NON-JUAN. 877-N…

Okay. I have to stop now. My right hand is starting to get carpel tunnel syndrome…

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