OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG!

I WON A DANCE CONTEST TONIGHT!! YAAAAAAAY!!

Okay, okay, so you’re probably wondering how I won, right? Well, my local YMCA was having a dance contest to raise money for charity.  All you had to do to enter was (a) get people to sponsor you, and (b) find a partner to dance with.

I thought I’d have a hard time getting people to give me money, but it actually ended up being pretty easy.  All I had to do was ask all the girls I had crushes on to donate money, in exchange for promising them that I’d never talk to, hit on, or be in the same venue/building/event as them ever again.  (But I say HA! The jokes on them – they didn’t say I couldn’t look at them from afar with my binoculars.  Non Juan wins again!)

I didn’t have a dance partner until the very last minute.  No girls wanted to dance with me, and I almost had to resort to putting a wig and a bra on my pet hamster Larry.  However, while riding my moped to the wig shop, I got knocked over by a girl riding her bike towards me.  I got ejected from my moped seat and flew face-first into a fire hydrant.

The girl – who’s name is Jessie – was so distraught from knocking me down (and from my constant steam of tears and yelps), she asked if there was anything she could do for me.  At first I said she could help pay for my hamster’s wig. When she asked what for and I told her about the dance, she said it would make her feel better if she could be my partner instead of my hamster.   So I said, “heck yeah!” (I had to let Larry down gently, but I think he understood the situation!)

We went back to my house (and by “my house” I mean my mom’s spare bedroom) so we could practice our dance moves.  Admittedly, I’m not really much of a dancer, but I do have a dance I made up called “The Non Juan Dance.”  It’s really easy to do… well, at least I think it is.  My dance partner ended up fracturing her ribs, breaking two of her toes and twisting her arm.

By the time we wrapped her up in her bandages, it was time to go.  I didn’t think Jessie would be able to dance… and she couldn’t.  However, we fagangled it so that she could stand still and look pretty while I did all the dance moves.

We got to the YMCA just as the contest was about to begin.  I was so nervous that I started to convulse, and I’m pretty sure I had a little wetness come out my bladder.  Good thing I had just stocked up on depends, or that dance floor would have been a monsoon!

There were some really great dancers set to compete – people were practicing ballet moves, tap-dancing, twirls, and, in one instance, the Cupid Shuffle.  They were so good, I didn’t think I even had a chance of winning!

Hoping to cure my nerves before it was my turn to go, I practiced my “Non Juan Dance” on the side of the dance floor.  In the process of doing so, I accidentally tripped up, knocking over an old lady.  She got shoved into her wheelchair, which ended up knocking over her dance partner/grandson.  He knocked over one of the judges, who knocked over the DJ, who bumped into his crate of records, which rolled out onto the floor into the mix of the other dancers.

The dancers started dancing on the records, and they all slipped and fell down, breaking various bones and/or scratching themselves up to where they needed medical attention.  After all was said and done, the only two people able to dance in the contest was me, my partner, and an anemic ex-wrestler named Phil.   Unfortunately for him, the air conditioning was too cool for Mr. Macho wrestler’s blood system to handle, and he ended up passing out before he took his first dance steps.

And so, the prize went to me! And I didn’t even have to dance! As for my dance partner, she said she’d call me once her bones healed.  And she did – to send me her medical bill

Can you believe that?!?  She actually called me!! Score another win for Non Juan!

- Non Juan

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